January 22, 2016:

This is what I know. I was abused terribly in my childhood. God was with me. When I was fifteen, I was assaulted, died, spent three months comatose, six months total, paralyzed. What I know is that God was with me. God never left my side. But the physical and emotional injuries that were left, severely limited me. I didn’t let those stop me. My whole life has been a battle just to get out of bed in the morning. Once I was touched by the Spirit, I have had a powerful desire to better my own life and the impact that these physical and emotional injuries have had. I started reading God’s Word. Every day. I started praying. Every day. I started going to the gym. To process the emotions that for most of my life, have crippled me. Emotions that were reactions from my experiences. I started counseling. Started journaling. Started group therapy. Now, I’m turning around and trying my best to help others process their pain in the ways that others have helped me with. I have forgiven everything. I’ve quit a three pack of cigarette a day addiction in a day. With the help of God. I quit pornography. I’ve learned that it’s all a process. I’ve learned we’re all in this together. I’ve committed to periods of fasting. Ten days. Twenty days. Forty days. Still every day is a grave struggle for me. But it’s a beautiful thing to wake up knowing that you’re loved. It’s a beautiful thing to know you have a reason to wake up every morning. Still, I know that really, there is nothing I could do or say that could make my God love me more. God loves me because of His grace. It’s because of Him that I am forgiven and loved. Still, because of the things I have experienced, the intimate ways in which they were committed, I am having difficulty accepting the love around me. I have had some problems in dealing with the struggles that I went through. I know that in all, it’s my responsibility to learn to love. But I know that in all, God has been with me. I know that in all, He has compassion. I am very concerned for others. I want the best for all. I’ve learned that this is all a process. And we’re in this together. “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” I’ve been meditating on that verse for the past couple of days. It’s from I believe Ezekiel. I love this passage because it speaks to God’s transforming power. At church right now, in our RCIA class, we’re discussing the wedding feast at Cana at which Christ changed the water to wine. In a sense, this miracle illumines the fact that when God comes into our lives, we experience this transformative power. I’ve come a long way in my life. Though with some very serious impediments. I am learning not to define myself by those impediments. I am learning, with the Spirit, to be grateful and thankful, to rejoice in everything I have been through, for the sake of the man who I have become. I have faith that God can make me a better person still. I know it must be hard to listen to me. You know the life I’ve lived, what I’ve done and my testimony. Clearly, I’m having a bit of trouble doing exactly what God needed me to do. I know I haven’t failed. And I know that the God I love is a patient and just God. You don’t have to believe me until there is corroboration. But, please just open your hearts. Please tell me when I do something that offends you because, for the most part, I’m not doing it with that intention. Maybe if you tell me, I’d explain why I do the things I do. And you would feel better. I feel I have been completely reasonable over the past couple of days. I’ve got to admit, I feel a little hurt. I know, in so many ways, I deserve it. Please remember why I’m having difficulty conforming. Please, I’m asking you to remember what I have experienced. I know how much you’re hurting. I want you to know how valuable you all are. You’re more than the pain you’re experiencing. The human spirit wants to survive and thrive. “It’s a beautiful, wonderful world. It is a wonderful and great gift, this life, if we can allow our perspectives the shift for a moment to see how much we have, how much we are loved and how much we have waiting for us. If we choose to love. Please remember how important all of you are. You’re not animals. You are made in the image of God. However you choose to interpret that, I want you to take from it that you are beautiful. You are spiritual. You are precious gifts. You are all cherished in the eyes of God. And your existences matter a great deal.” Continuation: I’ve gone to the gym like four times this week so far. Going to make it five. My fast is going well. Something happened that kind of hurt me. But I’m not going to talk about that. I want to be grateful. Today, I am grateful for the potatoes that I bought, cut up and baked this evening with some baby onions. Put some spices. What a lovely dinner. I’m grateful for my gym. That I can go there to work out in anonymity. It’s a good gym. Thankful for the Rosary. Grateful that I’m feeling better. I had a surprise today actually. A good friend from my high school emailed me out of the blue today just to say hi. It was very nice. I’m starting a website for my editing services too.