Saturday, August 13, 2016
June 10, 2015:
Feeling much better today. Starting to realize just how lonely I am. Yesterday, when I said that I was not going to do anything in particular. Here’s what I said: “I’m not going to promise to do anything in particular. It goes without saying that I have been trying very hard. Even though I have done a lot for myself with the healing guidance and help of the Spirit, I needed to remember that the love of God and His grace were not dependent on anything I could have done. Still, I will continue to strive to be my best and to live a righteous life. All I can promise is to approach every new experience I face with courage and heart and love. And do it all in the love of God. I will never give up faith. This is all I really can promise. Is that I will never give up faith in myself and in my God who I know loves me”. What I meant was that I wasn’t going to promise to lose a certain amount of weight or accomplish anything. Knowing that I have lost a lot of weight is assuring to me. Knowing that I have continued with my support groups and harmonica lessons is assuring to me. What I meant by saying that was that I plan to live every day well in courage and heart for the rest of my life. However, it’s becoming clearer to me that I have not always made the right decisions and because of that, what may remain is not as efficient as it once was. I’ll wait to gather insight regarding what I am to do next. But I may have to do something for myself after all. There is so much negative trapped up in my heart that desperately needs to release in order that I may replace it with positivity and words of Love. I realized very quickly on that retreat that I’ve got so much more anger and bad, hurt feelings inside of me. I’m not an angry person. I’m angry because of what happened to me. It may be that the only way for me to release all of this stuff is to confront or seek justice. Just because we forgive and release the pain to God does not mean that people who commit serious crimes should evade justice on earth.