April 17, 2015:

I am grateful today for the fact that tomorrow, I will be playing golf with my buddy Eric. It has been a year since I’ve played but I went to the range yesterday just to loosen up. It felt good to be swinging again but, boy, it was quite the work out. I figured out why I find it so stressful to swing the club. It’s because my hips are very tight, resulting from the assaults, the injury, probably both. Either way, I will not give up. It is something that I get so very much enjoyment from and I am sure that in a number of ways, it is a stretching exercise. I just hope I am not stressing my body out. Today, I am thankful for my men’s group. Last night with the guys was such an amazing time of fellowship. Most of all, I am grateful that after myself, Nader and Jack finished our discussion on the blueprint of work, Jack asked me to close our session in prayer. For quite a while, I had a lot of difficulty praying with others around. I was always anxious and fearful that I wouldn’t give God the glory He deserved. The funny part of this was that when I was by myself, ensured of solitude, I was able to pray and just sit with God for hours. Last night, I was able to open up a lot more in prayer with the guys. It felt a lot more relaxed than it often is. I feel that the fear also came from my post-traumatic stress, anxiety. Today, mostly what I am thankful for is the Truth. I am so thankful that I have felt safe enough to remember the things that happened to me. Because it is in conscious awareness, even though what I am remembering is terrible, that I am able to realize why I do things, say things and then have a chance to do something positive to change myself as a person. As much as I am able. Above that I am thankful for the Truth of the world. That God loved us so much that He gave us a chance to have a relationship with Him and to be saved through His Son. I am thankful for the guys who joined me in the journey to confront the very real pains and effects of the truth that I am talking about in my support group. “You shall see the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free”. I love John 8:32 and it makes so very much sense with what I have been through. The best part about the passage is that it makes the best sense in context with everything that is around it. “If you are my disciples and follow me…” John 8:31. Just like with the rest of the Holy Bible, you cannot read it for individual passages, as much enlightenment and wisdom is in these individual passages. I am thankful for a healthy mind and strength today. I am thankful for the gift of being able to think clearly in spite of the way I have been affected by anxiety, early developmental traumas and lack of self-esteem. On God’s time, I suppose. I will continue to have faith in the truth and in God’s timing. All that is concealed will be revealed. All that is in darkness will be brought into the light. I will praise God today and choose to be happy because God is so much greater than what happened to me. Praise the living streams and all of Creation that is God and from which eternal life is given. Amen.