April 23, 2016:

Life’s not fair. Bad things happen that are not always fair. It was not fair that I wasn’t allowed to have a healthy, loving developmental stage. It’s not fair what so many people go through on a day to day basis. Most of the time, it’s our sin that brings these things into our lives. God wants the best for us. When we sin, we are choosing to hurt ourselves by inviting those unfair things into our lives. Trusting in Him is the only fair thing we can do. And trusting in Him will bring out the love in our lives. This was a very difficult insight for me to come to. It was difficult for me to attribute the extremely abusive nature of my childhood onto any sin that I could have committed. Thinking about this, I was sunk into a deep despair, pondering over the question of how this life can be fair when there are so many beautiful, innocent children who are being hurt and treated so poorly every second, deprived of love in their formative years. Then, I experienced a sudden flash of insight. I remembered what the angels of God had told me when I myself was a small child that all children who approach His throne are welcomed. It even says it in Scripture that the souls of every child shall see the face of their God in Heaven. The ones who choose to grow to adulthood are in debt because of their inherited sin. I was so incredibly assured of God’s greatness and fairness after this experience. Let us be a world that encourages our children to grow to be adults for the glory of God. We have to remind ourselves that we are not living this life for this life. We are living this life for life in the Kingdom. I have to continually remind myself that I am a sinner and pray for humility. I’m sick of feeling bad about myself. I am grateful for life. I am grateful for my continued sanctification and my desire to flee from sin. My increased desire to forgive and express mercy make me feel good about what God is doing in me. The fact is that I am not dwelling in the past or being bitter. I am healing. I am grateful for my life, in which I have the opportunity to change. Please, I’m just asking for a little help. I cannot help being human and feeling feelings that any other person would feel in my situation especially as a child. I don’t want to hurt. And I have faith that in time, Jesus will heal me completely. That’s in part what the tattoo I just got means. It means trust in God but also a confidence that in the end, things will be safe and secure in God’s loving embrace. I am not a bad person. I admit that my heart has not always been in the most pure of places. I admit I am a sinner. And that I need the Christ in my life and heart. But there was a reason I was chosen. For the hurt I experienced. I am sorry that I couldn’t have been stronger. I am trying very hard to trust but the foundations of my ability to trust and to love was shattered within me by such brutality in my most formative years. I’m not feeling sorry for myself. This is very real pain that I am feeling. Just please be patient with me. Jesus can heal me. Jesus is Lord. I will keep faith in the truth of my life until I am gone. I will keep faith in Christ until the end. I choose Heaven. I choose to trust in God. So many things have gone wrong in my life. But I am grateful and choose to focus on the fact that the Spirit of God exists in my heart and for the fact that I have a Bible. That’s all really I need.