April 23, 2015:

I just finished reading and am starting to read again, the book by Andrew Miller, Humility. I’m reading it again because it is that good. One thing it reminded me of was that humility is not self-condemnation or low self-esteem. Rather it is an emptiness through which you are able to maintain enormous confidence. That confidence comes from that emptiness and that emptiness, the space through which the Spirit dwells, creates that confidence. It reminded me that we should always be thankful to God for what He has provided us. I was in a slump over the past couple of days. This morning I watched a Pilipino pastor’s sermon about discouragement and depression and the fact that Christ can bring us through if we trust in Him completely. This helped me to reflect over these journals. I have gone away from what I originally intended them to be. This is a list of gratitude above all. I have had a really traumatic life and because the traumas occurred so early in my life, I never developed the tools to function well in society. Because of that as well as intense trauma and trauma reactions, I am limited in the relationships I can develop. I am learning to rejoice in these things that have happened to me. Even though I have not had the best past, I have a choice about the direction of my future. And I have a choice to be happy in my life. I am grateful today that even though I have a lot of difficulty, I am able to physically exercise. I am grateful for my small group leader, Jack, who even after the week I have had, is willing to come and pick me up from to attend ministry at his place. One thing I have noticed is that when I am feeling bad about myself, I am not as thankful to God for everything He has done for me. I am committing to being thankful in the good as well as the bad. Praise God for today!