April 25, 2016:

Psalm 73: Truly, God is good to Israel, To those who are pure in heart. But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, My steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant When I saw the prosperity of the wicked. For they have no pangs until death; Their bodies are fat and sleek. They are not in trouble as others are; They are not stricken like the rest of mankind. Therefore pride is their necklace; Violence covers them as a garment. Their eyes swell out through fatness; Their hearts overflow with follies. They scoff and speak with malice; Loftily they threaten oppression. They set their mouths against the heavens, And their tongue struts through the earth. Therefore his people turn back to them, And find no fault in them. And they say, ‘How can God know? Is there knowledge in the Most High?’ Behold, these are the wicked; Always at ease, they increase in riches. All in vain have I kept my heart clean And washed my hands in innocence. For all the day long I have been stricken And rebuked every morning. If I had said, ‘I will speak thus,’ I would have betrayed the Generation of your children. But when I thought how to Understand this, It seemed to me a wearisome task, Until I went into the sanctuary of God; Then I discerned their end. Truly you set them in slippery places; You make them fall to ruin. How they are destroyed in a moment, Swept away utterly by terrors! Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord, when you rouse yourself You despise them as phantoms. When my soul was embittered, When I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, And afterward you will receive me to Glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart And my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you Shall perish; You put an end to everyone who is Unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my Refuge, That I may tell of all your works. I remember Pastor Jason at my old church preaching about this Psalm a couple of months ago. Right now, I retyped it so that it sticks to my mind and memory. There is a lot said in this. It speaks of a man of belief who, after stumbling, becomes envious of people who are inwardly proud, violent and evil people. He becomes envious of these people because it seems to him (Asaph, the psalmist) that they experience no desires and no troubles. But, as he returns to worship and love of the Lord, once he re-enters His temple, Asaph recognizes the fate of these people. And Asaph recognizes his true desire to serve the Lord because it’s the right and just thing to do. The psalm is very relevant today and speaks of stumbling from the faith and the enduring love, grace and forgiveness of the Lord. For me, what I took from this psalm is that God’s way is really the only just and righteous way. It reminds me that God’s way is definitely fair and that He will reward those who choose to follow Him. It reminds me that God desires to forgive and to love those who love Him. Pastor Jason Locke gave a better sermon than I ever could in this state. Today, this is a long lead up but I am so grateful for God’s love and forgiveness and grace. We have such an awesome God who never intended bad things to come into this world. I long very much to do the right thing and to glorify God. I just wish people would realize that most of the time, when I am rude or defensive that I don’t always intend for it to come across this way. I wish people would realize that bad things in a person are not always caused by ill intent. I really don’t want to hurt anyone. A big portion of the hours that I spend awake in bed before I am able to fall asleep are unnaturally devoted to feeling bad about what I have done to others. I only say unnaturally because in reality, I’ve experienced so much more than what I have done to others. It’s the things I have done to harm (unintentionally, intentionally in my past), the things that have been offensive to others that dominate most of my thoughts. I just want people to see that I am a person with so much love within me, dying to come out. I want people to know how terrifying it is for me to allow that love out and how frustrating it is being unable to express the love that’s in my heart. I’m sorry, truly sorry if I have hurt anyone in my life. I want you to know how I feel. I just wish you could see what I have been through. Anyways, I’ve faith truth will come out. Today, I am grateful for Jack’s Men’s Ministry. I am thankful that he was willing to discuss with me matters of the faith as well as the fact that I was having a difficult week. He knows my problems and what has happened to me and does not judge me. That makes me feel really accepted. The actual small group ended a bit early though. I was feeling very tired because I had gone for a jog that morning and because I was so tired, I wasn’t that talkative. I have to remember to make better use of this fellowship and though while Jack was kind enough to listen to me and offer his help, that’s what these guys are there for. That’s not their primary purpose but I will try to remember that they want to help. I have committed to try to get into shape, during which I am trying to get out for a jog every day to every other day, as well as heavy weight lifting. But I think the running may be contributing to my excessive fatigue at times. I remember about a decade ago, in college, buying a bicycle and riding everywhere. But because my body wouldn’t move along with it well, it was traumatic to ride. It has something to do with my adrenal glands and levels of cortisol, I’m pretty sure. But, I’m not going to let that stop me. I am going to push through this. I have a feeling I am too hard on myself in some ways that shouldn’t matter that much and not hard enough on myself in ways that should matter. My diet’s going well. I went to Shopper’s and got another bucket of Vegan Whey. My diet suffered a bit that day when I bought a packet of pita crisps and ate a lot of them. My daily meals consist of 2 scoops whey, an all-bran bar as well as a V8 low sodium. Yesterday, I had raspberries as well in the morning and vegetable curried rice that I made at home. Today I had a veggie sub on flatbread. I deactivated my facebook a couple of days ago. I just want to address my fitness and achieve a few personal goals before I activate it again. Funny, I was feeling pretty exhausted from my runs this afternoon. But after writing this and being grateful, I am feeling a bit better. Still tired but with a more positive attitude. Just so you know, I will continue to hold on to the truth. I have faith in the Truth and will until the end. I will continue to fight for love as long as I am alive in the faith of Christ. The fact that I am failing to depend on His love completely is an indicator of what I have been through and not what my heart desires. Please Lord Jesus, break me to the point of emptiness so that I may be an effective tool to You and Your Will. Playing golf tomorrow. Spencer is joining us. Will be good to see him. Hope he’s alright to play though because of his injured muscle. Going to have to be up at like 5AM to get there. Yikes! Will be worth it. Probably not the last thought of the day. Glad I have church to go to tonight. Went to church tonight! I cannot explain how much I love that church and the people there. They truly are my family. Sometimes it takes a week away to realize how important they are to you and how much of a great benefit you take from being a part of the community. The speaker was an invited guest named Earl who gave a very powerful sermon on the first book of Revelation. He spoke about the fact that to follow Christ, you have to pick up your own cross. In other words, just because you are a follower of the Way does not mean that you’re going to have everything easy. Jesus Himself said that we will suffer. But the speaker, Earl, reminded us that Jesus is with us right in the middle of our pain. Following the sermon, I addressed Earl to let him know how much I enjoyed the service. I wanted him to pray with me regarding my situation but when I asked him if he could pray with me my mind went blank and I just asked him to pray for my week. I hope he did not mind praying for me still. Afterward, I went to the bus stop but then decided to walk up to 7. Half way up, a really nice brother named Gary saw me on the sidewalk and stopped to see if I wanted a ride. I accepted and we spoke for a couple of minutes before he dropped me off. I just hope I showed him how grateful I was for his gracious act. I am happy to be alive right now. Golfing tomorrow. Probably won’t jog. But will lift! Will jog again on Monday! Can’t wait.