December 17, 2015:

Today was a rough day. Not for any real particular reason. But I think I am getting depressed with the holiday season that is coming. In spite of this, I am choosing to see the meaning behind what this season represents. In spite of this, I know how incredibly blessed I am and I choose to be grateful. I am so thankful that I have a life today and that I can choose to let a light shine from my heart as opposed to feeling shame for myself. I am very lucky. An elder at my church has invited me to spend Christmas day with them. They’re such a wonderful family and I am so pleased to have the opportunity to join them. In my RCIA class, which I had yesterday, we spoke about burdens and the ability to rejoice in God’s love for us; even in the midst of trial. This was very encouraging and reminded me of a couple of days ago when I was feeling this depression and got down on myself. I started to question if anything was ever going to get better. Saying things to myself like my life is a waste of a life. And curse on the day I was born. I need to remember exactly what I went through and the degree and intensity of it. I can’t judge myself for my feelings. In the midst of this, I feel I am becoming much stronger because after a short while of this, I always reach out to Christ. I say audibly and passionately, “take this burden from me Lord.” And the most beautiful part of this whole experience is the immediate relief I feel on saying these meaningful words. In its entirety, the suffering I was feeling makes full sense and I can breathe easily. The pain that was there is filled up completely by peace and joy. In RCIA, we received our Missals and we’re going to start attending Mass together now. I’m very pleased with how this is all going and I feel so welcomed. I finished reading the Book of Tobit and am now reading Judith. They are beautiful books.