December 18, 2015:

I had another experience of depression last night. I want to stress that this is not a character flaw. This sort of emotion is very much a reaction, just like the body will bleed when cut. But we all know this by now. Anyways, I fought the emotion for some time and then just sighed and whispered, ‘I trust you, Jesus.’ These sorts of feelings and reactions are not something we can simply repress or push under the metaphorical ‘rug’. We need to process our feelings and anger. Otherwise, these feelings continue to have an effect on our daily lives without necessarily our being aware. There are so many people who are working so hard. But in ways you cannot see. It is a fight for some people to get up in the morning. To deal with the struggle in their own mind. We need to have compassion for people who are struggling in ways we can’t see. I’m sensing that people are upset with me. I am searching my heart to see what may be the cause of that offence. Please let me know what I have to do. I will admit vehemently that I am not perfect. And I cannot change my past. There were many reasons I acted the way I did. What I can do is change the man that I am now. And I think I am doing well. I am actively choosing to help others who have gone through the sort of abuse that I have gone through. When I say ‘we’ll see’ and ‘you might get a surprise’, I am trying to encourage. Maybe this is offensive to some people and I will stop. The point of this is that I do not know what I have done. Please let me know what I have to do. I want very much to do the right thing for you and your world. Does not mean you’re wrong. Every opinion regarding faith is precious and ‘right’ in its own unique way. We have to make sure we don’t create an either/or environment. Every so often, I get these flashes of emotions. I get these flashes of emotion, in an absence of emotion that was caused by the trauma I have been through. In my effort to remain alive, I estranged my senses from these emotions because they were too painful, especially for a child. But every once in a while, I have this wave of emotions. These emotions remind me of how far we’ve come, how much work we’ve put into this world and the spirit of the human being. But they also remind me of how much we have all been through. They remind me that we are so beautiful; so fragile. They remind me I am human.