December 28, 2015:

I want so badly what God is offering me. I don’t know how to accept it. All of my life, I have been literally surviving by offering the entirety of my being, heart and soul to others who used these things selfishly. I see now that those things were part of me. I realize I am a human being who was deserving of respect and love. I know that I don’t deserve anything from God now. Still, I am committed not to give up. I am starting my fast and period of abstinence today. I’m doing this for His glory. But also for temperance. And to purify my heart, showing God I am repentant. I don’t know if God will use me now. All I will do is continue to have faith and to express love. It’s all about God’s mercy. Please don’t get caught up in the superficial aspects of my life, don’t make assumptions regarding the way I act so that you forget what I have been through. Hope you can see why this is exhausting for me. And it’s really traumatizing for me when the truth is concealed. None of this is how it was supposed to happen. I was meant to be at rest. Still, I’m hardly thinking of myself or my loss. My heart breaks when I think of what has happened. And my perceptions are beginning to solidify with regards to the fact that I can really, in the state I am in now, only worry about how I feel about myself. It just gets so difficult after having been told quite a bit in my developmental years, through word or action, how little I mattered. Just a minute ago, I walked past an older man asking for money on the street. I walked past and didn’t look at him because I had no money. But, all the while, something was tugging on my heart to come back and help him in some way. We were in front of a Shopper’s Drug Mart so I went inside, went to an ATM and bought a loaf of bread, peanut butter and some fibrous cereal and a chocolate bar and brought it out to him. I offered it to him and then gave him a twenty dollar bill. He was very grateful and said “God bless you sir.” I said the same. There is something so magical, so refreshing and so humbling in the act of giving. I cannot describe the amazing feeling I get from helping someone who in most cases, would never be able to help me in the same way. Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll need a hand and one of these fine people will be able to offer me assistance. But that is certainly not the reason I do it. This definitely encourages me to remember that sometimes when we’re feeling at our worst, an act of generosity can help make us feel better by taking the focus off of ourselves and placing it onto others. Thank you Jesus for putting it on my heart to help this man. I wish that I was able to do this anonymously. I have tried in the past. But, it’s become difficult to do anything like that privately. I gave again to a couple of people I’d seen on the streets today. Seeing that it was cold and snowy, I gave a guy on Yonge street 5$. He said, “Are you serious?” And thanked me. I said take care and God bless and walked away quickly. In Downsview Station, a woman to whom I have given at least a hundred dollars to in the past, was asking for money again. I gave her 5$ as well and said take care quickly and emotionally. I want you to know that I am not doing this for attention or to feed my ego. I noticed a couple of wrinkles across my eyes and forehead for the first time last night. I am in love with them. I know they’re laugh lines. I like the way they accentuate the features of my face. To me, when I look in the mirror, they give my face a distinguished look.