Monday, August 22, 2016
December 27, 2015:
I am feeling healthy today. I went to the gym again yesterday. I spent about an hour or two there. I am feeling very good after committing to going again regularly. Today, I am going to the grocery store so I can buy fruits and vegetables so I can continue on a fast I am starting soon. I also spoke to my mother last night on the phone. It was nice to hear from her. I will not give up. It has almost been an entire year of my writing in this journal. I am thankful for my commitment and dedication to continue this. I realize I should be a lot more grateful and thankful of the things in my life. Because I know that the weight of my troubles overpowers me too often. With reason… But I went to Mass last night. I brought along with me a rosary I just bought and a little basic prayer book that I received from reception at my church. There I practiced praying the rosary. I am also thankful for my friends. I am thankful for the family with whom I spent Christmas Day. I am thankful for Michelle and the fact that she is doing what she loves and is happy. I am also thankful for grace and love. The opportunity to shine love in a dark world. I know I have to humble myself. I know I struggle with pride. This is why I am doing the fast. Everything in my life is for His glory. A large problem I have is that when I sense people as being angry with me or frustrated by me, my mind struggles to make sense of what I have done. In the process, I usually feel an awful lot and come up with a bunch of phantom things in my mind as to what I could have done to deserve the treatment. Call it a response to the shame. Still, I am recognizing more and more, in my distress that I have to lean on Christ more. I am learning. Repost: “And I am made complete in Christ. Christ, heal me of the wounds of this. Heal the shame. I don’t want attention or glory while I am living. I want validation for what has happened to me. God will glorify me with what remains, I have faith.” Manners and the ‘you before me’ attitude is not necessarily a plea for attention.