December 25, 2015:

Merry Christmas! I am feeling so nice today. I got two calls from my mother this afternoon. And a bunch of others wished me a Merry Christmas. It’s going to be a busy week for me. I have lots to do. Which is encouraging! I went to Mass this morning. It was a beautiful service. While I was there, I was thinking about some issues in my past. I’m not going to dwell on that. I easily say that I have stopped looking at pornography about a year ago. Though I struggled initially because it was such a powerful masque for my emotions, I have not looked back. I am not judging and I am not justifying behavior. I’m just asking all of us to judge righteously. We need to have compassion. I will say that when I feel that I am doing well, this is when I am tempted relentlessly. It’s not an excuse. But I am trying very hard. Keep in mind that trauma affects our behavior in that repressed emotions, thoughts and feelings continue to affect us if we push them aside. Still, I came to a valuable realization shortly after Mass today where I concluded that I am being too defensive. I feel I am trying too hard on my own strength. And, earnestly, it is a very difficult thing for one who has been traumatized as much as I and in as intimate a way, to allow himself to trust; to love. I will make the best of this situation. I cried last night, on my bed, to my God in repentance. I feel so unworthy. Asking for a pure heart. But I know I will not let Him down. I know there was a reason He chose me as well. This is why I am fighting, going on fasts, and extended periods of abstinence. In order that I may release the vigilant control over my trust and ability to love. I am letting go. I’m sorry it’s taking so long. I believe in myself and I want this. It hurts me to say that even a matter of months ago, I didn’t feel that way about myself. In fact, I regarded myself with disdain. Entirely because of what I have been through. I don’t feel alone anymore. I know that there are others who can empathize. Anyways, now I am going to a family’s house who invited me to spend Christmas with them. They’re a wonderful family and I am blessed to be included. Merry Christmas and God bless everyone. In the way that resonates with you. But do not forget our Lord today. He is the Lord of love. A good heart can be created or destroyed, metaphorically, in a single instant for one’s entire life. #ChildSexualAbuse…