December 24, 2015:

Today, I am very grateful and looking forward with a hopeful sight. In spite of this, I am feeling a little sad this morning. The sorrow I was feeling yesterday followed me today. After feeling a grave despair yesterday, feeling my soul weep and stumble, I cried out and prayed. I am sad. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am grateful. I feel I need to process this sadness. Because that sadness derives from everything I have experienced in my past. I’m not dwelling on my past as an excuse. It’s a reason. One that I struggle with every day to overcome. I hope it will be revealed to you the extent of what I have been through. But that’s not a priority. But this wasn’t simply a matter of working hard. I was bringing a lot of weight into each struggle. Still, I am feeling much stronger now than I was years ago. And I think I need to address everything in a different way. I am not giving up. I am going to push through this. Yesterday, when I went to church, I purchased a rosary and when I was doing so the kind woman in the office explained to me what the rosary means and how it is useful in times of distress. She gave me a little booklet explaining how to pray it. It is intended as a meditation and it truly is beautiful. This afternoon, I went to a restaurant I often go to where I ate a bit too much. Half way through the meal, I was starting to realize again, why I was doing this; why I was eating so much. I was doing it to cover negative feelings. Like I said, I’m not going to give up. In spite of these negative feelings and frustration and focussed confusion, I have not given up. It is not a willing choice I am making to avoid what’s right. I am continuing to move forward. But, I feel I am not doing enough to push through these emotions as I work through them. I will go to the gym tonight after writing this. Then I will go to church. I plan on starting my fast on Boxing Day. I’ll update every once in a while. I have faith that God will not allow me to be put to shame. After what I have been through. For His glory. For He is an awesome and just God. I am not crazy. I seem more concerned about my abusers’ well-being than my life and the truth. I want you to know that I am not ashamed of the truth. I am not ashamed of my truth. I am trying to think desperately of ways to make all of this right. But I know it will end well. As much as it pains me to admit, I can empathize with the mistrust of people now. I don’t want you to believe me until there is corroboration. As is written in the Talmud, ‘You shall judge things according to the testimonies of two or three witnesses.’ I want the best. Until God created it, it didn’t exist. Think about that.