Monday, August 22, 2016
December 21, 2015:
I am still very thankful that I went to the harmonica school’s party last night. In spite of my anxiety I am glad my teacher invited me up to play a song. It’s encouraging me to challenge my fears as they pass. Today, I gave a gentleman in Second Cup some money for Christmas when he asked. I was editing the book I was hired to edit and he walked past me and wished me a Merry Christmas so I gave him what I could. Right now, I am going to the gym. It’ll be good to get back there. It’s been a while. But I have been lifting weights in my room at home. I am learning it’s not the same thing. For one thing, I focus a lot more and do a much more intensive workout at the gym and it’s also nice to be around people. I am thankful for people today. Grateful for the friendships and relationships I have been blessed with. A guy who used to be part of our circle of friends before he moved back to China messaged me today. I wished my friend Eric and his new family a Merry Christmas. So thankful for the people who are in my life today. But I am also thankful for the people who aren’t. I’ve connected a number of times today with random people. Short connections. But very meaningful. After going to the gym today, I felt pretty emotionally charged. It almost felt like I was filled with testosterone. Maybe not exactly what’s happening scientifically but I related the feeling to times when I was growing up in elementary school. And because my developing years were filled with a bit of trauma and maltreatment, this is how I feel when I think of testosterone. Anyways, I’m sorry if I offended anyone. That is the last thing I want to do. I’m not walking around uttering obscenities to anyone like I used to because of the accumulation of traumas and sexual violence. I was feeling otherwise calm earlier today. When I went to Second Cup, where I was working on my editing, I felt great. So it must have been the workout. In any case, I will get used to it again. I have to commit to setting aside time every week so that I can work like that again. It’s easy to forget the great benefits. I’ve also not been sleeping too well lately. Actually last night was the first time in quite a while I’d slept alright. Maybe overslept. It’s funny when something is so obvious that it is right in your face, under your nose and you don’t see it. I was sleeping with my iPad running and playing Netflix. Quite a distraction. I thought, while I was doing this that it helped me sleep. Clearly it didn’t. I suppose it’s a similar reason as to why people smoke cigarettes. Thinking it’s calming them down, when in fact it’s making them more and more tense in the long run. Anyways, it felt like I was filled with testosterone. Awkward for me and feel very defensive when I feel like this. In the midst of holding it together pretty well, for the most part, I think I deserve also to be upset at times. Outward outbursts, of course, are and should be unacceptable. And I expect others to set me straight if I do this. I don’t need others to tell me how to act though. I’d just like you to know that a lot of the way I am acting is not malicious but rather reactions from hurt and literal, in the moment, pain. You can feel pretty good about yourself emotionally but when it is a terror to walk half the time, anyone is bound to get a little cranky. Please don’t forget what I have been through. The head injury, the abuse. Believe me, no one has to tell me that no one owes me anything. I know this very clearly. I can’t say I understand entirely why you are acting the way you are right now. Believe me, I understand your frustration and I accept that you have the right to treat me however you want. And I affirm now, in spite of my defensiveness today that I don’t necessarily desire attention. Admittedly, it is nice to know that others are concerned. But I want you to know that I am not doing any of this to glorify myself. I don’t want to offend anyone either. Please just be patient with me. Ignore me if you have to. I know this is not going to end badly. Because I have faith. I hope I can help your world even a little. I don’t want to be weighed down any more. I can’t help how you feel about me or change your perceptions about me. Because in light of everything I have been through, I’m trying very hard to do the right thing and to open my heart to trust. What I can do is not give up. I’ve told the truth in my life and I will stand by it through whatever I have to. I know it’s difficult to have compassion and patience for someone who continually is turned away from righteousness. Please, don’t forget what I have been through. No one owes me anything. I realize that. And after yesterday that feeling has solidified within my heart. I’m trying to be as neutral as I can right now. So that I can make the best of this situation with a positive and humble attitude. But I have to speak the truth as I know it. And I will not apologize for that. All I have stood against, really, is hate. I don’t think it’s insensitive to speak up against murder and rape. This is all about God and His great love for humanity and the grace that was offered us through the Messiah of Love’s sacrifice. I am so thankful for my friendship with Michelle. I walked through the door of redemption yesterday at St. Patrick’s Church. It was quite a feeling. I did this after I prayed in front of the Tabernacle. And leaving the church, I noticed the door. It looked like it was made of cedar. I went back and asked a gent who was vacuuming the rugs when it would open. He told me that it is always open. The front of the door is carved in the image of Christ and there are many engravings around it. This year, there are a few churches, which have these doors. The doors represent the mercy of God and a new relationship with Him. It was quite a peaceful feeling, passing through. I told a few people about this after. Thankful. I know that much of the time I am simply stifling my emotions. I’m doing this when I go to play games at the computer café, when I gamble, when I eat a lot. Still, I have to take time to recognize how far I have come. In that I have quit smoking three packs of cigarettes a day. I quit porn. I quit alcohol. Still, there is a lot left unprocessed in my mind. I am going to do another fast soon. Spoke to two people today who reminded me of how lucky I am to be spending Christmas with people who care about me. This has developed into a lonely time of year for me. Today, before my RCIA class, which was wonderful: we watched the Nativity Story, I went to church and just sat, praying for like an hour or two. I’m not going to lie, I feel overwhelming feelings of despair. I am exhausted. My situation is not unique. And it is hardly special, aside from the unusual degrees and amounts of trauma I was forced to endure. I just got very lonely. I’m very blessed to be able to spend Christmas with some friends. And believe me, I am grateful for that. I’m trying to not focus on all the negative. But the feelings come… and as I have learned, you cannot simply push them aside. I think that there is an entirely spiritual/emotional element to being a follower of Christ that has to be acknowledged. I admit very strongly that I am nothing. Who am I? That God Almighty should love me enough to make a sacrifice like the one He did. I’m very sad that this is so difficult for me. Mostly for the effects, what’s happening. Insight and wisdom for me come in flashes, often after some time. I have to say that I simply was not entirely aware over the past couple of weeks as to why people’s attitudes towards me had changed. I understand now. And I am so sorry. I’m sorry for feeling defensive at times. I cannot change who I am or what I have been through. Though, I am trying harder than I can imagine some realize to change how the terror of what I have been through has affected me. I am trying and continue to try. I know what I deserve. As well, I well know what you deserve. And you deserved so much better than me. And I am so sorry. I’ve got to say that this is very frustrating for me. And I want to do what’s best. I sincerely hope that there is a chance left. And I have to follow the tug in my heart, which is encouraging me to keep going, not to give up. The tug that says that there is a chance still. I’ve just got to try. It’s our choice how we end our lives. Whether in shame, fear and anger or in love. God wants everyone in His creation to be happy and He doesn’t want us to continue in our shame. I am not going out without a fight. I am going to go on another fast. In the past, I’ve noticed the accumulation or rather culmination of desire towards the ends of my fast periods. I’d fast for ten or twenty days but as the fast was coming to a close, I’d be longing to eat a pizza or play a game of chess. This time, I’m not going to set a stop date for it. I’ll just go as long as I am able. I have to try with what remains. I have to try.