December 20, 2015:

Today I am grateful for my church. We were instructed last Wednesday to leave after the homily on Sunday when we were dismissed. I did not expect the priest to call us catechumens to the front of the congregation to be blessed. It was very nice. After, we went to a room I had never been in before within the church and discussed the readings. When I entered, one of my fellow Confirmation candidates said to me when I asked her how she was, ‘you know you’re an inspiration to me.’ It was so nice, though I was a little embarrassed. The readings were straightforward enough but I’m glad to have been able to learn more about them along with the others. Right now, I am on my way to my harmonica teacher’s Christmas party for his students. I brought along my ‘C’ harmonica in case we are playing together! Grateful today for Christmas. Grateful today for life, for love and for hope. The spirit of Advent has sunk into my heart. Most of all, I am grateful for the fact that I have others in my life who continually make the effort to reach out to me. It is difficult sometimes to reach out on my own. Even when I want to, I have been conditioned to believe that others want to hurt me. I know this is not true. For the first time yesterday. . . maybe the day before, I came to the realization that I am not just a child sexual abuse survivor. I’m not just a rape survivor. Not just a traumatic brain injury survivor. I am a human being. I am loved, redeemed and saved. I am a child of God. And I praise God for what He has done for us. Grateful! Again, I came to the realization that I deserve love and intimacy. It’s always a battle for me but I am trying very hard. I have faith. Continuation: This evening at the harmonica school’s party was a lot of fun. The music at the show was awesome. My old teacher invited me to go up to the stage to play a song. I hadn’t prepared or practiced anything and I didn’t think the event was going to be the way it turned out to be. I went up to the stage and played In Excelsus Deo. I could tell I made a lot of mistakes but everyone seemed really pleased after I played. It was nice. I was a bit anxious at first but realized after going up that it was a lot of fun. We have to challenge our fears. Because waiting on the other side of them, are joys we can’t know anything about if we don’t step past them.