December 8, 2015:

Last night was my final art therapy session. It was sad but also very encouraging to move forward into new things. I’ve got to admit, I’m feeling pretty rough today. I’m picking up on the fact that people are upset with me. I can’t help but feel very discouraged and confused by people’s reactions to me. It’s because of what I have been through that I was called. My developmental years were wrought by destruction and fear. But I also acknowledge your concerns and the legitimacy of how you’re feeling. I know why you are feeling the way you are. And believe me, in no way am I excusing myself. I find myself, over the past couple of days, reading through St. Benedict’s Rule, a guide to Monastic life. Though I believe that earnestly some are called to this vocation and I am in no way diminishing how valuable this calling can be, I believe that I personally, was seeking for a way to escape. I’ve always kind of had a warm calling toward the monastery life, especially following my stays with monks in Georgia and in King City. I do believe though that I am searching for ways to run away. I don’t want this. I don’t want to escape any more. This morning on the bus, I was continuing my reading of the Gospel of John. I read chapter twenty, the Resurrection. I was trying so hard to control myself but I wept on the bus, openly. I wept in joy and repentance. I don’t expect anyone to believe me. I know I have not given corroboration for my testimony. All I ask is that you allow your hearts to open, enough so that when there is testimony or corroboration, you will believe and rejoice. I know that none of this is about me. And if I have treated it as such, it’s only because I never had much of a life of my own. That doesn’t change the fact that I want what’s best for your world and for God. Please keep faith. Believe me, I know I am not the only one this must be discouraging for. My heart, every day, breaks for those who are being hurt by people who absolutely do not represent God. My heart breaks, every day for those who are dying for their faiths. My heart breaks for the children who in every respect, shape and form deserve love and respect in their developmental years. Remember, we needn’t be in the Kingdom of Heaven for this to happen. Merited, it will absolutely be this way. No physical eye or ear has seen or heard. But this is something we can have in our world. A world where children are treated with respect is not a preposterous notion. In the meantime, I offer you my profoundest compassion and comfort. It doesn’t need be like this yet. I am not saying this to shame anyone. I am the one. I just pray it can offer you hope in the future of this world as well as in your eternities. Carry your blessed faiths. Like a pregnant woman, there is pain, there is enormous suffering. But when it is over, joy and rejoicing comes for new life has been introduced to the world. Pray and love. My love and hope is with your wonderful and precious hearts. Christ is my authority. I trust Christ. I have to follow the voice that is calling me. I believe the Word of God is Truth because God says it’s Truth. I believe that the universe was created in six days because the LORD says it was created in six days. We know what we need to know. There’s a lot of stuff we shouldn’t know nor have the need to know. What we need to know is in Scripture. But there is a reason for everything. I pray that reason will be made clear. This world is the most advanced it’s ever been. We have come a great way, a distance of such length that is only testimony to the brilliant and incredibly passionate glow of the human heart. At the same time, I fear we’re losing grasp and perspective on what is truly important. Life is important. Love is important. We must be critical of things, even of doctrines we have held vehemently. We must even be critical of the love that we hold; the reasons we hold that particular love; why we call it love. The most important thing to know right now is that God Almighty, the Creator and Lord of our world and universe loves us very much. He does not promote hate, deceit, child abuse, fear. None of that is God. God’s light is love and justice. People who commit violent acts in the name of God are very dangerous to this world. We must not forget that love is worth fighting for. As a world. We must not give up on the cause of love. We have to be critical of doctrines and people that threaten this. I’m saying this with love. Because I care for you. To encourage you. Not to condemn anyone or to judge anyone. It’s been a great week so far. Stressful but great, for sure. I’m learning again to be grateful for the small things. Friday will be the Gatehouse Christmas Party. Looking forward to that! Saturday at 5PM is the ceremony for my Rite of Acceptance into the Catholic Church. It’s going to be awesome. And I am very excited for it! We rehearsed today at RCIA and it went well. I got a work for hire job! I am going to edit a piece of fiction, a novel that is going to be published. I have a bunch of mail to send out that I will do tomorrow. I saw the gent who asks for money at Osgoode Subway station again. This guy is wonderful in spirit. He remembers my name every time I see him. I saw him when I picked up my self-portrait from the Gatehouse yesterday. As I walked up to him, he said, “Hey Jon.” I’m so grateful to have had an impact on him. I offered him ten dollars. Then I asked him if he was doing alright, if he was happy. He said he had a place lined up but it wasn’t until next month. So I asked him where he would sleep. He said he had somewhere warm but it was outside. I asked him where and he told me over the heated vents on the sidewalk. I gave him another forty dollars so he could stay inside somewhere. I am praying for you brother. Keep faith.