Saturday, August 13, 2016

July 4, 2015:

Much has happened since I last wrote, journal. Canada Day passed. I was able to play golf with my buddy Eric that day. It was an early day. Woke up around 4:30 in the morning to meet him in Scarborough. As trivial as it is, is that I had a wonderful feeling a couple of days ago. There is significance in this only as much as it symbolizes. It happened when I was about to do my laundry. I don’t really know what inspired this but whatever it was, it was lovely. Suddenly, I got this whiff of my clothes. The second I smelled them, I was taken back to a time when I was a smoker and most of my clothes would smell, literally like a burning ashtray. They smelt so badly towards the end because I was smoking so much then. This was the image that grew in my mind as I caught a fresh sniff of the clothes I am wearing now. When I smelled them this time, it was so fresh and so wonderfully crisp and clean in comparison to the memory. It's small I know. But it reminded me about how far I have come and what I have accomplished. It’s so easy to get caught up in the business of life, the urgency of our daily deeds that it becomes dreadfully simple to forget about all that we have done as human beings, the journeys we are all on, the goals we have set as individuals. We need to take time to appreciate the beauties of life and the intricacies of God’s Creation. After all, He created this world for us. He created this planet for us. Life really is short. It’s literally a flash, an instant in time. We need to get out and make what we want out of our lives. We need to stop wasting our time with things that do not matter, in the grand scheme of things. Last time I wrote, I wrote about something that I believe very strongly in. We need to reveal our true, authentic selves. Our inner children. We need to pack up all of the masques and coping mechanisms that cover up our true natures, our true visions and our true goals and hopes for this life. In a time in our history when we are surrounded by distractions, bombarded by constant emotional and mental interference, it’s easy to become caught up by the world. Do not forget where your true home is. Where you belong. And how to get there. We need to sit with our feelings and not be constantly busy. God loves all of you so much. We need to reach out to Him and accept His love. This is much easier than it sounds. People need and deserve to feel loved. And the only true and natural source for that love that embraces all and endures all, wanting only happiness, love and glory for those who choose to accept it, is the Christ. He is the only source for the unconditional love we need as creatures of God. Just don’t give up on love. It’s absolutely a worthy fight. I too, am trying really hard. All I can do is continue to be grateful and faithful. Fear, wishing I was dead, anger and resentment. I am sick of that trash. I’m done with that rubbish. I’m tired of hurting myself because of stuff that wasn’t my fault in the first place. I’m tired of being angry and ashamed of who I am as a living and breathing human being. I need to have compassion on myself. I’m going to love myself with the love that I deserve. Because I deserve to love myself for who I am. And I like to think I am on my way towards discovering who my authentic self is. I like to think that I am moving, even if it is slowly, towards loving myself as the child that I can feel I once was. I am learning to treat him, that beautiful little boy with love and respect. I am learning ways to treat him with love. There are so many things I feel I am doing for him. I am working out to keep him strong. I am beginning to adapt a positive diet, one based on love and not about how I look. I quit smoking. I quit alcohol and porn. I am more and more reaching out and encouraging myself to seek community. Probably as important as all of these things put together, I am adapting an attitude of compassion toward him and not hurting him and being rough with him out of my repressed anger. After everything about who I was as a human being was shattered numerous times, I feel I am on a positive course. Last night I went out for a jog. I watched an armed forces recruitment video and felt particularly inspired. However, every time I go for a jog, I forget about the physiological stress it places on my body. It’s generally easy to forget about physical pain. So, after I jog and feel like I have been beaten over and over with bats, a month later usually I will have another feeling of motivation and decide to go out for a jog to strengthen my muscles. That’s always something I need to remember about myself. Especially after the injury, my muscles do not naturally work in unison with each other. So when I jog, it is not the same as with others’, whose muscles work ‘normally’. Anyways, this morning after jogging, my body was angry at me and was tremoring a lot. I feel that the tremors have more to do with emotional and psychological stress as opposed to physical. But physical stress seems to induce them for me.

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