June 30, 2015:

Well, I’m starting to feel a bit better. I have been having a lot of anxiety over the past couple of weeks. I stopped taking a supplement that was increasing my anxiety. Not that that was the only reason for my anxiety. I went to my support group yesterday. In it, I had a realization because of a lot that was said. Sometimes, we cannot find words for our feelings. That doesn’t make them any less valid. I still a lot of the time, find myself criticizing myself because there’s a place in my heart that believes that if you have a thought or feeling, it is invalid unless you can attach proper wording in order to express it. I’m trying to have a lot more compassion on myself now, knowing what I do about trauma and healing. For me, the trauma began when I was in preverbal states. I believe that because of this, the trauma and confusion I experienced has stunted my ability to communicate my thoughts properly. I occasionally find myself apologizing to people who are listening to me because I feel so tense and anxious about speaking most of the time that I feel I am not clearly explaining how I am feeling. Even if it is coming out in reasonable thoughts, sometimes I am not communicating how I am feeling still. I know a lot of that is that anxiety as well because very often when I am speaking with one person with whom I feel relatively comfortable, I can express myself with ease. To many, I’m sure that this would sound like an excuse. And to be honest, I felt as though I was just making excuses for a long time as well. That was until I began to view myself with compassion and understanding, knowing what I have gone through as a person. I feel as if I am in a very difficult place right now. Because I am feeling so much anxiety right now, I am praying a lot. Last night I prayed to God that if there was still a chance for me to glorify Him, He would offer me a dream of love and hope. I know I’ve really messed up. I can only pray that you can have compassion for me. I pray that you can have compassion on a child who was suffering so much. When you understand the grace of God, your faith will grow endlessly. The gift that He, in His amazing goodness and love, has bestowed upon us. When you realize that God desires the best for His creation, your faith will grow endlessly. It’s a beautiful, holy feeling to extend mercy and to actually express forgiveness to someone who has hurt you. My sufferings and traumas aside, the biggest message of my life is that God is truly an awesome God. He loves all of His children, very much including those who do not believe and those who sin. He wants so much for these to return to the Truth. I have a very strong faith that He will make the best out of what has come. I do not know what God will do with my life now. It is only my prayer that now, even if it is not God’s decision to use me, that I may live the rest of my life in the glorious light of Christ. Yesterday in my survivor’s support group, even though I was having a terrible time expressing myself, I communicated the fact that for a long time, as a result of the traumas and injustices I have experienced in my life, I was hyper vigilant and defensive with people who I viewed as threats to my emotional and physical safety. I expressed, or tried to, my dismay at the fact that I had acted defensively and at times hostile towards others. But I was so thankful that because of the love of Christ, His Spirit in my heart, I have been able to defeat this cognitive dysfunction that resulted from being hurt so much. Just like every addiction that I have curbed with the help of Him, it is possible to change ways of thinking and behaviors that are deeply engrained into our brains. We are not our brains. It is the reason that I am living day by day in self-improvement and enlightenment, striving to better myself, lifting weights every day and reaching out to others: I am doing all of this because I have faith and hope that tomorrow is going to be better. I have faith that at the end of all this work, I will be rewarded, knowing that I will have done the best I could. I have faith in the light at the end of all of this. And I will not give up. But I will humbly and penitently submit my spirit into the perfect judgment and mercy of the Father, with the knowledge that whatever I receive, I will deserve fully. But I recognize that this is not about me. Anything that God does for me now will surely be in order to display His great love and goodness. I recognize that this is about you. I long so much to do the right thing. It is absolutely not my intention to hurt people. I was at the dentist the other day when my dentist said something in response to my answering her questions about what happened to me. She said that there are a lot of suffering people out there and that they could benefit from someone speaking up for them. I am feeling really emotional just thinking about how much suffering and pain there is in the world. Another effect that the trauma has had on me is that very often, I get really into my own world and lose touch with others. This is hardly a selfish decision and I strongly believe that I am not the only one like this. I believe it stems from the age at which the trauma began for me. Because, as children, we are naturally selfish. We need to focus on ourselves for our survival. Especially along with the healing work I have embarked on, and the experiences are increasing, I am offered glimpses of how others feel. This increases also when I am in the Spirit. For the most part, I am conscious of how others are feeling most of the time. But, these experiences in which I can empathize with others are the most beautiful, yet heartbreaking instances. I’m sorry journal. I cannot write any further without breaking into tears. And seeing how I am in the middle of a coffee shop right now that would not be the most appropriate thing to do. Please, journal, just know that you are all so valuable and loved. You are so beautiful and cherished in the eyes of God. Love.