June 25, 2015:

Over the past couple of days, I’ve been feeling very stressed out. A couple of days ago, I awoke, depressed in the morning. I found it terribly difficult to get out of bed. But when I did, I went to the washroom and looked at myself in the mirror for some time. I felt so miserable and broken. I went to the extent of calling myself a ‘sham’ into the reflection of the mirror. Turning away quickly, I questioned why I would have done such a thing. There were a couple of negative experiences that I had, which fueled my feeling this way in the morning. My emotional well-being is fracturing my ability to speak and express myself. This whole thing started a couple of weeks back, when I was still relatively composed. A few things are happening and happened, which in some ways have taken me back to the abuse. There is a whole lot of stuff going on right now that is making me feel bad about myself. For one thing, I experienced a few new memories about the abuse that happened to me. The memories were always there. I just came to the realization about how they have affected me and that they were wrong and malicious to me. But also that what happened was not my fault. Anyways, I have been really stressed out. My mother actually called me yesterday. I could hardly speak to her. I felt really badly because I always want to speak to her. But, as I was speaking, I could feel my body up to the throat tensing up. Today, I am at a coffee shop I frequent near Yonge and Finch. This is the same coffee shop, in which I pondered suicide some months ago. I remember writing that I went into the washroom and just started hitting myself angrily, in terrible despair. After which, I went on a crisis chat room and searched the web for ‘overcoming depression and despair with Christ’. But that was almost a year ago. Today, I went into the same washroom and prayed. I prayed out loud in the washroom because I had not the opportunity to pray before I left my home today. I prayed not because I have to or because I am obligated but rather because I long for the Creator to know that I want a relationship with him, that I love Him and need Him. That I cannot do this without Him. I thought more about the fact that I had called myself a sham and been depressed, for some time and realized that I was depending on myself for everything I need. It became more and more clear to me what I need to do. I needed to find the Truth of who I am. I needed to see myself the way that only God sees me. I needed to see myself in ways that no one on this earth saw me. I have struggled with this a lot over the past years. It’s a continual battle for me to trust in Christ fully with the weight of the stress that surrounds my body and spirit. It is a continual fight for me to learn to trust and rely on a force other than what I know because what I know has helped me to survive through so much. But then I remember why I was suffering in the first place. I am finally coming to live in an area that is not dictated by the events of my past. Nor is who I am dictated by what I can and should have done. The truth of your reality is not what you have been through. It’s about what Christ went through and overcame. Faith in itself will produce good works. First, we need to believe in our hearts and confess with our mouths that Christ is Lord of all the world. Hate, in any respect, even against those who hated you, is not a good thing. The Kingdom, the reason Christ came to earth, the reason I write now and fully, the entire nature of God Almighty, stands for love. This is all about love. This life is about love. Love for each other. Love for God. Love for those who hate us. Love for ourselves. Act in love and you will be doing the will of God. Knowing that there will certainly be justice. The enemy is the one who fills our hearts with deception and pain and lies. He is a punk, wrought on destroying all of mankind. Do not allow your hearts to be filled with resentment. Know in your precious hearts that you are all so very loved. One person is not loved more or less according to God. All are equal in order that God’s perfect love may be revealed. How can we love ourselves? Even when so much disaster has befallen our spirits. How can we love others? Even when there is so much hate and oppression in this world. How can we love God? Even when there is so much pain and suffering that good people never deserved. How can we love those who hate us, hurt us and persecute us? We can do all of those beautiful things in the knowledge of the Truth of God’s love for us. We can do all of these things knowing that God stands for everything wonderful in our world. And yes, it’s a very big universe. He created it all! And still, he notices us, our insignificant presence, marveling at our every step, our every breath. He marvels at us enough to want so much for all of us to be free and to experience joy and love in the Truth that is absent of suffering, misery, oppression, lies and hate. We can love everyone once we accept the Spirit of the living God. This is not entirely about religion. It’s not about who is right and justified. For there is absolutely no contest, no trial and no battle in love. Jesus, the Lord of love and peace came to earth not just for the Jews, not just for Christians, not for Jehovah’s Witness or any other. He came for all mankind that we all may know that His love is a free gift and a beautiful one. This is not about religion. It is my hope that with love and grace, you are given a glimpse of the LORD Almighty in the way that I have seen Him. Love God, act in love and peace to each other and to all neighboring others, in truth and you will be doing the will of God. I just pray that God reveals to you a knowledge of the love of Christ as it has been shown to me. There are so many similarities between most of the religions of the world. This cannot be for coincidence. It is not a judgment when I tell you that there are too many conventions and rules these days. Merited, there is a Law that God requires you to follow. And that Law is immensely important. I simply encourage you to have faith. The Law will follow if you just have faith. Our world is a truly beautiful one. Every time I look around, I wonder in amazement at everything in God’s glorious Creation. I wonder at the sight of what we have done to it as well. Hardly in a bad way. We have erected monumental metropolis’, we have invented travel that can get us from one corner of the world to the opposing corner in a matter of hours. We have created communication that can connect an individual in Hong Kong to Wyoming in a flash. That is incredible. We are made in the image of God. But, at the same time, it is also a very hurting world. It is a world that is filled with enormous suffering and injustices. We live in a world where people thrive and blossom off of the hard work and pain of others. It is a world that needs a savior. And we are enormously blessed that God Almighty has sent us that savior. With the full knowledge of what He would have to experience in order to stand by the Truth of love and everything that love stands for, God was still willing to send us His Son. The only way we can be made holy and righteous enough to approach God, the Father is through the Savior, Jesus Christ. Church, you beautiful, worthy and strong sheep. Whatever happens, know in your hearts that in front of you lies a future none of you could imagine right now. It is a very real place. You absolutely have this to hope for. Just remember to do everything in love. Do not walk in the presence of evildoers or stand in the way of those who will sin. Just keep strong and maintain your faith. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to provide a voice for you. I’m trying to feel like an apology is enough. Whatever happens, know that you are all so valuable and so loved. You will be home soon. To those who suffer and those who persecute alike, the peace and joy of love and truth is within arm’s reach of you. My life is not over and while there is life, there is still an opportunity to love. I just need to know from you what you would like me to do. I can promise to never give up and to try my hardest with what has been given to me. This was a terribly difficult mission for me. From the start, the odds were stacked against me up to the brim. But I accepted it. I said I would do many things. I’m so sorry I couldn’t have been stronger. Still, one will come who will be a voice for you in a while. You know how I feel about what happened in my life. I will not give up. Love sometimes is a difficult cause to fight for. But it is always worth it. And love will triumph in the end. The Truth does not change or waver. Keep faith. Have patience. Please. Continuation: Today, I am thankful for art. I am thankful for the gift of creation to honor God with our works and crafts. I am grateful for my art, which although still improving, is very noticeably improving. Today, I am thankful for adversity. Because without hardships, we would never grow as human beings and be challenged to better ourselves. I am thankful for laughter and smiles. Sounds cheesy. But it is always so encouraging to receive a well-meaning smile or to make another laugh out loud. The other day, after another stressful situation, I was at a grocery store, in front of which was an older woman. I smiled at her and she took the time to look into my eyes and smile at me for a couple of seconds. It is, indeed, encouraging to receive and extend these connections, however short they may be. It’s all about love. There are some steps I am taking towards moving my life forward towards my dreams. Even small steps I count as positive goals that I have reached because regardless of how small, they add up and we need to start somewhere. Yesterday, I cleaned up my living space. I was pleased with how I felt after this because it had not been as clean for a while. There is something very refreshing about having a tidy and clean living space that encourages you to do everything with that much more effort. Also, I am making it a habit to learn something new every day. A new word, capitol city, the name of a bird. I’m always learning French and as I read through a copy of La Bible, en francais, I occasionally have to translate words even though generally, I know what is being said. A couple of weeks ago, my friend, Michelle sent me a website she is creating to help other students in school and thinking about grad school. In the section of ‘help for students’ on her page, there was a lot of helpful material. Two or three things stood out to me though and encouraged me to practice what she described or continue to practice. I am not going to describe what she spoke about because she told me not to show anyone her project until it was finished. But there are some things that can be very helpful. I ate a banana and raspberries and blueberries yesterday. Not much I know. But what bad stuff I am eating, I am offsetting with good stuff. I don’t eat that much junk anyhow. I am still vegetarian. Not for a particular reason aside from ethical morality. Overall, I eat pretty well now and am maintaining a reasonable weight. Although I am continually dieting, I have no profound goals in mind. After all, dieting is about love for self and becoming healthy. It shouldn’t be about losing or gaining weight in order to look a certain way. Good looks naturally come with health. However, what I am continually doing for my body is weightlifting. I feel I have upped a class of weights. My own lingo but that’s how I feel. With my shoulder lateral raises, I am now lifting twenty pounds eight times without much strain. With biceps, I am doing eighteen reps each arm with twenty five and twenty pounds a set. I like the reps. They offer more endurance. For strength, I am pulling forty pounds per arm, about five times a set. I also upright row sixty pounds twelve times per side. After I write this, I am going to fulfill one of my goals. I am going to learn how to bake. First, I am going to the grocery store to purchase some of the materials I need. After I will learn. Hopefully, while I am waiting for whatever I decide to bake to… bake, I will paint another three paintings. The first is going to be a situational of Samson in the atrium. The second, is going to be some gulls. The third is going to be a portrait of our Lord, Jesus. I will take my time with this one and layer it. But, this is not about me. It’s all about what God has done for me and the grace and love He has poured out on me. That’s all for now. This life can be very difficult. This life can be extremely stressful. We can get angry if we focus on our pain and suffering. We can get bitter if we focus on the bad things that have happened to us. These things change. After stressful times, for the most part, there are opposing periods of rest and comfort. One thing never changes. That is God’s love for His Creation. God’s love never changes. If we choose to accept it. Everyone deserves to be treated with love. I do not feel I have the right to tell anyone who loves another person that they do not have the human right to unite or do what they will. Some things I do not agree with. I cannot agree with. For what this is worth. The biggest thing I can urge everybody is to act in love and not retribution. There are going naturally to be others with different perspectives. And they have the right to those perspectives according to their own experiences. However, Truth does not waver or change. We, now, need to be compassionate. We all deserve compassion regardless of the trajectory of our lives. Be in submission to the laws of the land. But do not be afraid of telling the truth. Do it with love. Hate will not solve anything. On both ends of the spectrum. Please remember that there are people of every faith around the world who are being beheaded for their beliefs. These are very real, beautiful people, women and children. Please remember that there are women and children being sold into slavery, raped and murdered. Please remember that children are being crucified because they’re not fasting by ISIS. ISIS is a very bad and dangerous group of people. We should be trying to extinguish this problem and problems like it before it grows any further.