June 18, 2015:

So, I had a great night. My next door neighbor at the place I am staying at added me to facebook. She seems really nice and down to earth. I hope I can be able to get to know her a little better. When I saw her, I was in the kitchen and she pointed out a crazy looking bug that was crawling all across the floor in the basement. Lol. Anyways, after she added me, I opened up my facebook and she had liked a whole bunch of photos and posts that I made public. It was really nice. Had kind of a rough morning. Was becoming defensive and tired of life. Reading back over that sentence, it sounds lighter than I probably intend it. I wanted to die. I had an encouraging insight the other night. It was that if I was just going to give up at the end and throw everything away, why would I be investing in my own personal growth like weight lifting and painting? Why would I be following God’s personal Torah for me, the law that He gave to me to follow for my own life? Instead of brooding on the suicidal thoughts, I collected four canvas, my oil paints and went down to Humber Bay Park West on Lakeshore where I painted for at least five hours and finished the canvas. Sometimes, you have to get motivated with yourself and become angry at yourself when you feel down like that. I truly feel the Spirit encouraged me to go downtown to paint. Over the past couple weeks, had I have made an excursion like that, I would have been physically drained. Physically, my body would have been in so much pain that I just would have gone home. Even if I did nothing. Tonight, I have gone to Starbucks because I am going after I finish this to Superstore. Hopefully I will still have time to shop. I am happy tonight. For the first time in a very long time. Just happy with myself and who I am. It is not a feeling as though I have to prove my worth or derive my value out of my work or what others think of me. Today, I am praising the Lord. I am so grateful that the Lord has put on my heart to remain convicted to forgive my abusers. I will admit that over the past couple of days, after making this decision, I have been tempted in the idea that they could be enjoying their life now. That thought hurts me when it emerges because of how much they hurt me. But I am remaining true to my decision. I have a bunch more photos of paintings I have done to post to facebook. I am very hopeful for my life. Please be patient with me. Not because I deserve it but because I am a human being like all of you. A good heart can be crippled and maimed or it can be created and nourished in a single instant, metaphorically. And because of that, we need to love each other in our strengths and our weaknesses. Regardless, I will not give up my right to a life and my right to a Life. I will not lose my life as well as my eternity. Praise the Lord for all of you. When you read this, I hope things will make a bit more sense. I just pray that whatever happens to me, the right thing happens for your world. For the Church. Most of all, for God. People are good in nature. Their good natures are only hurt. I had an insight today in the grocery store. A cashier was a little rude to me. She was very short tempered. I came to the realization that people are not always trying to be rude, hostile and aggressive. People are just trying to survive. In a very real way, everyone has difficulties with this life. It is not the perfect Life we are waiting for. Please, keep strong in the meantime. Thought of the evening: I really cannot help the way that you see me and judge me. Sometimes, the way I act and speak are hard. This is not because I am intentionally trying to be cruel. It’s most of the time, just the way I have learned to survive. Merited, I have the capacity to be an asshole. I do not think that I allow this out that often. Hardly ever. I’m just asking you to forgive some of the milder hostilities that I commit. Honestly, most of the time, I have no intention of hurting anyone. On the retreat I went on, they ended up having us all in the circle in the group. To us each, was passed around a weird looking and heavy statue of a gargoyle or something. The interesting thing about this was that when we all listed what we thought about it and how we felt looking at it, everyone’s response was different. To me, I saw deceitful uncanny. To another though, they saw peaceful bird. This exercise was a great way to emphasize how our perceptions are all so very different. What I’m trying to say is that what we may view as an attempt to be hostile may simply be the way a person scratches their arm. Think about this. This goes for everyone. We have the potential to become at times, in our society, hyper vigilant in itself. Continuation: Coming home today, I was packing my groceries into the fridge when another one of my roommates came out of her room. She told me she was moving. She had lived there for about a full school year. I think. In any case, it dawned on me then to ask her if she had facebook or some other way of staying in touch. She seems like a cool person. And one I’d like to get to know, as a friend. Happily, she added me to her facebook. Afterwards, I started to question why I had not asked her sooner. I wondered why I had not asked her if she wanted to hang out or get a coffee. Now, a couple of hours later, I had another realization about myself. I realized that it’s just a defence mechanism I have created to save me hurt, rejection and suffering that I avoid friendships and relationships while there is a reasonable possibility of those relationships developing. Especially with people who are close to me, in proximity or in emotional space, especially women, because I am so afraid, on an instinctual level that I will be hurt again. Rationally, I can say that this fear is stupid and common. It is deep though. A part of me thinks that the reason I was so quick to ask for her contact now that she’s leaving is because I don’t want the friendship to die. I see what could have evolved and the fact that it didn’t. This is not the first time that has happened. I just become oblivious and can’t understand the fact that they don’t seem too interested in continuing the friendship at that point. Not that she did that. She was very polite. When I think of this all at a base level, I can see very well the relationship with another close woman in my life being played out. The sense of abandonment and confusion and loss and betrayal. These insights and realizations that I have about myself and my situation are not strictly selfish. I am documenting them so that if anyone ever sees this, you can have a better understanding into the nature of why I do things as a survivor of childhood trauma and sexual abuse. Other people will probably cope and develop differing defence mechanisms. But for the most part, the effects of these sorts of traumas are similar.