June 19, 2015:

Good day. Painted another painting that I am proud of. It’s an expressionist landscape. Was having a lot of difficulty physically today. I’m pretty sure it was just because I was carrying an awful lot and was walking quite a bit. I may be hurting physically but emotionally and spiritually, I am feeling great! Another reason for all of the insights I have been recording, is by releasing the thought, it can serve as an opportunity to change. I found this excerpt from an article written by J Summers called, “Why Can’t I get on with my Life?” that was so poignant I felt I had to capture it in my journal: “Many people believe that, because the abuse happened as a child, as an adult the survivor should now just 'forget about it and get on with life'. If it were this simple, many survivors would do it! It is not this simple however. Survivors were not given the opportunity to experience a 'normal' childhood and they cannot go back and re-experience it. Childhood is where all humans learn the basics of adult behaviour. It is where they learn to talk, to walk, to feed themselves, dress themselves, to relate to others and how to decode all manner of verbal and non-verbal messages. When this learning process is distorted through abuse, it is impossible to change or erase the lessons learnt once adulthood has been reached. This is not to say that a survivor cannot lead a perfectly happy and fulfilling life, but they will never be the same as a non-survivor. The way a survivor is taught to think and act is forever different from a non-abused adult. This altered way of thinking affects relationships with their families, partners, close friends, their own children and with themselves. If someone is skeptical about this statement, then ask them to try a simple experiment. Ask them to do two things in their life differently from the norm. Ask them to brush their teeth with their non-dominant hand and to brush their hair with their non-dominant hand. Once they have done this, ask them to imagine that, for the rest of their lives, brushing their teeth and hair will be that difficult. It won't feel 'right'. You look in the mirror and know that you can't quite do it. You can see others around you who seem to have no problems with it, but your own hands are clumsy. There are knots in your hair that you can't quite reach, or the part won't go straight. You resign yourself to the fact that you will never be able to make your hair look as good as everyone else's. Even if you get it done professionally, this is only a temporary solution. You know when brushing your teeth you've missed some of those back molars and scooping up the water was a nightmare so you used a little less than was needed. You know that eventually this type of tooth care will lead to decay but resign yourself to having to pay for the dentist bills and being admonished for your delinquency. You have learnt that others will attribute the reason for these behaviours to either a deliberate choice on your behalf or some undesirable personality defect such as laziness. But you endure, you get by. Now tell the person to imagine that the reason they have to do this is merely to titillate and amuse some grown-up. Ask them to reflect on how they would think about life knowing that everyday was going to be a struggle and all because someone else selfishly used you for their own gratification when you were young. Now tell them to blame themselves for allowing it to happen and to feel the guilt that they are unable to tell anyone about it. This experiment may give a non-abused person a small insight into the life of a childhood sexual abuse survivor. Instead of teeth and hair brushing being 'different' for a survivor it is everything.” That’s the excerpt. Says a lot. Take a page right out of my own life. This allegory is the perfect description of me and my experiences. I’m not left handed. That’s not what I think this article is saying. Imagine trying to live life with your non dominant hand and never getting more adapted to it. Now imagine this process of doing things for almost everything you do. It’s in a lot of ways, a developmental disorder. But I do not have a developmental disorder. This is something that was done to me. I had to learn to do everything, in childhood, with like foggy glasses. The process occurred but everything was a little more difficult for me. The same is true of everyone who experiences this sort of trauma in youth. I’m not lazy. It’s not that I don’t not want to try. I have incredible motivation. That’s one thing I will say about myself. I just don’t have a lot of the tools with which many people were raised to learn. A lot of things really hurt for me. Walking, as time is going on, is becoming more and more strenuous. It’s exhausting. This is not going to stop me. I have little to say right now. Just know, journal, that I am feeling well. And that because I post explanations does not mean that I am not determined to try so much harder. Last thing I will say is this: I do not know the full nature of the complexities as to why I fear love so much. The reason I say it like that is because there are probably definitely too many ways for that response to have developed. Fears aside, including the facts that I was never raised to understand the social cues and expectations about dating or healthy love. I have no idea where to start. But I am not going to give up. I post these explanations because I want very much to get better and live my life to the fullest.