June 20, 2015:

I am feeling so incredibly blessed today. Was having a rough morning. Couldn’t get out of bed either. But after church, I am feeling so welcomed and loved. In all honesty, I am so grateful today that I found the church that I did. Even though, I know in my heart that any church I could have spent so much time at would have been as welcoming and supportive of me now. After service, pretty much consistently over the past several months at least, one of the leaders of the assimilation team faithfully asks me if I want a ride from the church to the bus stop up on Highway 7. I am so thankful for him and his great heart. And his family. Was forced to examine my heart in today’s church service. The pastor is doing a series on the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20. The verse we studied today, or the one on which the pastor spoke was Exodus 20:7. This is the command not to use the Lord’s name in vain. Through this sermon, I felt such a weight on my heart knowing that, in the past, I have absolutely said my share of ‘Jesus Christ’s’ and ‘Oh my God’s’. Merited, there was a time when I did not know better. And I clearly used these expressions in negative ways. But now, I feel more reverence for the Name than then. But I was forced to examine my heart over the past couple of weeks during which I have developed a system of calling out when I am feeling stressed out or being tempted. I’d also make verbal announcements thanking Jesus. Half way during the service, I found myself considering some of what was being said. Surely not everyone who says ‘Jesus Christ’ and ‘Oh my God’ has ill intent by saying it. I actually wrote down in the service on my phone other reasons to use Lord’s name in conversation: Expressions of awe, supplications for help, in joy and reverence. We can call on the Name when being tempted. Near the end of the sermon, though, the Pastor offered thoughts on this. That it was really dependent upon where a person’s heart was when they say these things. There are so many beautiful people in the world. A thought I need to intentionally reflect upon a lot more. This is also a big part of my fear of intimacy. The ingrained and irrational fear that all women, in situations where I put myself vulnerable, are trying to hurt me. I need to remind myself that just because a few women in my past, regardless of how close to me they were, hurt me very badly, does not make all women bad. There are certainly good women out there who do not want to hurt me. It’s just so hard to see and feel on a gut level. I feel that instinctual process needs to be nurtured and healed more. A gent from my Men’s Ministry was chosen for a place of responsibility in the church. After the church service today, I asked him if he could pray with me. I told him a little about what I have experienced and that I felt a drive to press charges a couple of weeks ago but recently had decided to remain strong to my decision to forgive. He told me some very encouraging stories and listened to me carefully and then said a really nice prayer over me. It was really encouraging and speaks more to the beautiful heart within the church. I felt a little out of the loop over the past few days after the shooting took place in a Bible study in Charleston. I was really upset to hear about this. I posted a video to my facebook of which I have recently taken down. In its place, I posted a meme that encourages people to remember the victims as opposed to what the guy who committed the crimes is doing.