March 22, 2015:

Today, I am thankful for a lot. I’m beginning to find it easier to be thankful for many things, especially in the absence of things to be thankful for. If that makes sense. In reality, I am having a terribly difficult time. This life seems to throw a lot of curve balls. It likes to dangle happiness and love in front of your nose. It seems to me sometimes, as though, having a happy life, filled with love, is a lottery. I find myself questioning why I was never given the opportunity to form a relationship with a woman. As if I were being punished for the very severity of the crimes that were committed against me. Guaranteed that the only reason I am unable to form a bond with another is a direct result of the stuff that was done against me. If it’s not the fact that I just scare people away because of the nature of my physical well-being, then it is an assured fact that I will scare them away because of the man that I have become, which likewise is a complete result of the enormous accumulations of traumas that I have endured in my life. I want to vomit a lot of the time just thinking about the enormity of the paradox that is the tragedy of life. I used to think that way, at least. I find it helpful to put my thoughts and emotions into words. I have to catch myself in the thought. But I am getting better and better at collecting the truth about who I am. The truth of who I am, I am finding more and more is not as bad as I make me out to be. The truth is that I am very hard on myself. That is the sickeningly unfair and twisted part about it all. That I am so hard on myself, instinctively feeling an inborn shame about who I am at the very core, that I feel so worthless as a result of what others did to me. It doesn’t make sense to you? It will. Rest assured. Over time, I have been more and more able to catch these thoughts by focussing on the truth. The truth that can be found in a small scene that is happening very nearby. The truth that is found in my assertive correction of the voice of my inner child. Most of all, the truth that is found in my Lord and Creator, Jesus through the Father. Increasingly, I am able to notice more beauty where once I would have looked in the presence of a complete void and shameful existence. And it is in the purity of the truth that I am able to see myself as a small child, who was being manipulated and abused and betrayed in such terrible ways. The truth is that I am a beautiful, loving creature of God, who has simply been hurt. I am starting to see the truth that I am very special to God. That the only escape from the paradox of life is the Lord Jesus Christ. I am so endlessly thankful today for His love for us and His grace that He so freely pours out on our world. How can I have joy when I am always in pain? He is there with me even in the middle of that pain. How can I serve when I am always in pain? He is there with me in the middle of that pain. The more that I see this life as a preparation for life in the Kingdom, the more I am able to see the beauty in small things in which I never would have taken a second look at. Realizing that it is not our God who creates this pain is so incredibly encouraging. I am grateful in the midst of a world that wants to destroy spirits, we have a God who loves us so much and desires to bring us to this truth. What a beautiful God who would love us in spite of our disobedience. What an amazing God who would love us when no one else is willing to love us. He loves us because He can see the truth of who we are. He doesn’t look at the surface. I am so thankful that while I am alive, there is a chance to improve and change. I am thankful for the people of God. There is an assertive and solemn correction in the body when I have strayed and a silent rejoicing when I am living on the path. I am thankful for a world that is eager and desiring to believe in this loving, compassionate and forgiving God who is foreign to them. Praise God for the fact that this will end with them rejoicing.