October 7, 2015:

Today has been a great day. In honesty, last night was pretty tough for me. I was having a bit of difficulty emotionally, which I attribute to the vulnerability I revealed the day before at Art Therapy. There I spoke about some hurtful stuff. Messed up stuff. This is stuff that no one should have to go through. Still, I was overwhelmed by this. I felt so anxious at one point that I shouted into my pillow. Though, I am proud of myself, more of what Jesus is doing in me, that I did not hurt myself. But it still was so frustrating and hurtful. I went into the kitchen and turned on the stove, boiling water and cooked up some whole wheat Kraft Dinner. After I had strained the noodles, I was reminded of my choice to fast. I went to my room for a second and heard a voice telling me that there was still a chance. That I didn’t have to go through with it. It encouraged me to finish eight days of my fast at least. I was on day seven. I returned to the kitchen and literally just finished scooping a tablespoon of margarine into the pot when I felt a surge of encouragement. I dumped the noodles into the green bin and cleaned up. Went to my room and prayed, repeating ‘Into your hands’. After this, the pain went away and I felt such a profound peace. I had painted a couple of new paintings. One was a flower. I tried to be as realistic as I was able. I think it’s nice. I’m going to paint two more tonight. One of our Lord Jesus and another of a European streetscape. I had my harmonica lesson today. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy these lessons. So much fun. Today was great because my teacher helped me to tab out a couple of worship songs and helped me with tabs I had already created. Today, I am thankful for the ability to turn suffering into joy. Thankful for Christ’s promise that grief will turn to rejoicing. I am so thankful for all of you. This world would be terrible if we were in it alone. Imagine a world where we were the only person. Be grateful for community, fellowship and love. So today, the eighth day of my fast, I am deciding to go shopping and continue for the full ten days. I am feeling terrific. Haha, two pairs of pants that used to be pretty snug on me, now fall off if I don’t continually lift them up. And that’s with a belt! I weighed myself in the morning this morning and it says I am 185lbs. though I think something’s fishy with the scale. Every once in a while, it gives an error message. And then flashes random numbers that cannot be an indication of my weight. I thought I broke the scale. Lol. I asked my buddy Rob to use his scale and weighed myself at his place last week. It read 196. But I had quite a pocketful of change. Hopefully I am 185. But I don’t want to focus too much on my weight. Instead I want to focus on my health. Feeling good and loving my body. Because that is what I deserve. What we all deserve. I’ve been trying too hard. My life is in the gracious hands of Christ. Mold me my Lord.