Sunday, August 14, 2016
October 11, 2015:
The past couple of days have been rocky. Though, in every respect, things are progressing well and it is becoming clearer that the Spirit is absolutely taking up home in me, these days have been sad and trying for me. I was fasting up until today. So in that regard, I always find that the most difficult part of my fasts are towards the end, when I have only a little bit more time to go. In any case, I completed my fast well and ended it with a series of personal prayers and worship. I was actually very encouraged because the final day of my fast was Thanksgiving weekend church service. At the service, we were offered Communion, to remember Christ and what He did and accomplished for us. It was so very peaceful to have been in such a state of spiritual detoxification and to fill my soul with the symbolic Remembrance. This is why I say that I can feel the Spirit working in me. In addition to prayer, I also weened myself off the fast appropriately by eating a bowl of risotto as opposed to gorging. A little bit of detail about my fast: I was fasting from sexual emission as well as from foods and drinks except for vegetables and fruits and isolate protein drinks and teas. I was fasting for the purpose of appealing to God for forgiveness and just that the right thing would be done for your world, the Church and for the glory of God. I spent much time in prayer and meditated on the Gospel daily. After losing much weight and getting under 190 lbs again, the most encouraging feeling I was starting to feel was love. I was beginning to feel the emotion of love for myself and for others. Feeling these feelings though, was like a spiritual embracing experience. It accompanied me throughout the entire fast, although it grew, to the point where I was having loving and hopeful dreams. These are very encouraging. Michelle, I am so happy you have made the trip so that you can study and live your dream. I created a couple of paintings also over the past couple of days. One was of our Lord Jesus, another of a flower and another, a tasteful nude. Still going to the gym, two to three times a week. When I’m unable to go to the gym, I lift at home. I’m thankful for my friends, Rob and Seyed. I am encouraged by them greatly. I’m thankful for my church and the Church. I am thankful for man’s ability to extend compassion and mercy. I am so thankful for my small group, even though there was only three of us last week. It was such an encouraging, wonderful night of fellowship and brotherly love. I became a bit overwhelmed and distracted when I was offering my prayer request. The theme of Ministry right now is man and his marriage. And though I feel I am getting a lot from these sessions, a lot of the time, I am feeling very lonely. I want so much a woman to be my friend. And it has been tough and even discouraging, the way my self has handled, defensively and instinctively, others’ attempts to be my friend, I continually remind myself that my heart is hurt but it is definitely not paralyzed. I am certainly not a sexual leper as I think at times. I crave love, intimacy and affection probably more than most people because those things have been robbed of me or used to hurt me in the past. I continually remind myself that I am very worthy. I continually remind myself that I am not unworthy because of how a couple of people treated me. I continually have to remind myself that I deserve that and I deserve love. Still, I feel so unworthy. The part that hurts about this the most is that I know exactly why I feel like this. And I didn’t in any way deserve it. But I will make the best of what I have. To be honest, I don’t know what lies in my future. I could literally die at any moment. But I am going to choose to make the best of this life with what I have, rather than focussing on what I don’t have. I’m not concerned about me now. I want the best for your world and for the glory of God. I will just continue to have faith in my precious Christ. While opening my heart, more and more. I ordered a panzerotti today from PizzaPizza. I didn’t like it. I will probably continue on my fruit and veggie diet, modified, after a while. For the abstinence, I will continue to wait every two-three days between emissions. Though we are, if we choose to be under the love of Christ, no longer obliged by the Holy Law, it is certainly written for a reason, for our benefit and for our Life. The reason I am writing all this is because I want you to know that whatever confronts me, I will not give up. I will persevere. To display Christ’s work and love in me. For His glory. Praise the Lord.