Sunday, August 14, 2016

September 30, 2015:

Let me backtrack a bit. On Monday, I was feeling a bit triggered. Most of the time, when I am having such a hard time expressing or identifying my feelings, emotions and the thoughts connected to them, I will just say ‘I am tired’. Most of the time, there is so much more than just that going on. Most of the time, this is a period of heavy stress for me. I learned in college to label my unresponsiveness or extreme physical difficulty or unclear thinking simply as ‘I am tired’. Because this meant that no one would ask questions. And because, especially at that time, I had no effective way to understand what I was feeling and why I was feeling it, simply saying I was tired was an effective way to close a conversation that I didn’t know how to have. My feelings and emotions were just so haywire that I had no way to process them or express them. Anyways, Monday I was feeling this again. It usually arises because of stress. Monday I was having a lot of flashbacks. I was feeling this for most of the night. It just occurred to me that I have to fight through these uncomfortable feelings. I have to fight through them in order that I am able to show myself and others the love that they deserve. Another woman in my group said she was struggling with something similar; expressing herself. I noticed clearly myself stifle my voice. I wanted so much to offer her encouragement. Knowing somehow in my heart that what I had to say wouldn’t have mattered in the first place, knowing that even if I wanted to express the thought clearly, I wouldn’t have been able to. Just realizing that there is such fear around having a voice of my own. Very clearly, this suppression of my voice is owing to the fact that I was silenced a lot in my developmental years. It’s due to the fact that every time I voiced the opinion that I deserved better or that I didn’t want what people were doing to me, I was shunned, ridiculed and shamed. Everything in my life, even in the small things like letting people win against me in games because I wanted them to be happy; everything in my life has been about and for other people. As a result of being violated so often over the course of my young life, my abusers taught me that my needs and happiness were not important. They taught me on an instinctual level to place the needs of others before my own. This included the right to my own body. You need to understand that I was taught this unwillingly. I had no choice in it or the development of the thought. I was very small. Now though, I have a choice. Now, I have to at least try. I’m better than how I was treated. These transitions of feeling better in my attitude and feelings come occasionally. Though they have been coming a lot more often, especially since I have accepted Christ as Lord and have started my healing work on myself as a person, they’re still not quite where I want them to be. On Monday I was feeling a bit triggered, having flashbacks. This is not where I am today. I just have to remember, all the time that after the trial, however big it is, things will get better. I just have to overcome and fight it straight on. Keeping faith in the Christ the whole time. “A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world” (John 16:21). I feel it’s necessary to express these negative feelings. We cannot simply repress them. Because when we do that, they affect upon us in less clear ways. It’s not a bad thing to feel and to hurt. I am not ashamed to feel my feelings because they’re a reaction of what I have been through. It has allowed me to see myself with love and to start to treat others with love and respect. It has allowed me to think before I speak or do things. We’re all troubled with impulses. It has allowed me to rejoice in my sufferings and what I have been through. It has allowed me to praise who I am today. It has allowed me to find happiness and joy in myself. But the scars still exist. Feeling through my pain has allowed me to open my heart to the experience of dating and intimacy. Though I am content as single and as the person Christ has made me into, I truly believe that everyone deserves love. And I will continue to look. I am feeling better. Continuation: Last night, I went to the grocery store where I purchased a lot of really great fruits and vegetables. Today, I am eating only veggies and fruit. I am also staying abstinent. No masturbation. I am doing these things for five days up to seven days. It may not seem like a big deal to not have sexual experiences for five days. But for me, it is very difficult because of the comfort it provides. Don’t forget what I have been through. I’m doing this, in particular, to show myself that I deserve to be loved and respected in a sexual way, considering that my sexuality has been robbed a lot in the past. The longest I have gone is thirteen days. It’s very difficult. In many ways, more so for an abuse survivor. I’m being honest. Today, I am at a coffee shop on Dundas and Mccaul writing this. After I will go to church, followed by the gym. With the two week veggie fast I did a couple weeks ago, I allowed myself to eat nuts and made the mistake of allowing myself to drink alcohol. Though, everything is clean, it went against my personal plan. This time, I am allowing myself to drink tea and protein drinks. The protein I am drinking has no fat or sugar, lactose. Tomorrow is my Men’s group at church. Last week, I didn’t want to go but felt so rewarded after coming home from it. I will go. I am still doing my harmonica. Started a distance certificate program about a week ago. Had my first lesson today. Really looking forward to hitting the gym today! I am grateful for the life that God has blessed me with today.

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