September 27, 2015:

Going to the gym today. Haven’t been in like five days. Still, managing to keep up with my workouts here at home. Going to a worship service after at my church. I’m not rolling over. The only thing that’s in my control is not to submit and stop trying. I will not stop trying. All I can do is have faith. Continuation: I’m going to leave the last post up as a testimony. Well, I went to the gym. Again today for the first time in five days. And I remembered right away how much I, personally, need it. Working out at home is good but it has nowhere near the effect as a full workout. I have a feeling I will sleep like a rock tonight. And that’s why I needed it. It helps me sleep. My mind is a bit clearer than it was last night at two in the morning when I wrote the previous day’s entry. This morning, I was thinking a lot about what I had written and a little concerned that I could have allowed myself to have become so despairing. I’m going to be honest with you about my feelings. Because I believe that is something we all need to start doing. When I got home yesterday from church, I think I spent about ten minutes screaming into my pillow. I was not angry. I was sad. And I think that is what inspired me to write what I did. In any case, I’m glad I was able to get these feelings out of me. Likewise, on the bus ride home, I was holding back tears. This is why: I thought my life was over. I thought I had sacrificed everything that God had initially planned for me because I was suffering and because I have difficulty trusting. This morning, I went to the gym and, as exhausted as I was, just kept pushing. I realized that I am not alone any more. I have absolute hope. I have hope because I know that this is not the end. This, whenever it ends for me, is the beginning of something I can only fathom because I was offered glimpses of it. I have hope because life doesn’t end here. I realize that I am broken; very broken. This is why I have faith. And I am so proud of how much God has done for me in my life. I think the fact that I survived that injury was a miracle. But He in His great love has done so very much for me more. But I also needed to realize that I have to take responsibility. I have to take responsibility for myself and my reactions and my feelings now. What happened is over. And I was not to blame for any of that. But I do have a choice now. The help I need is the help of Christ. I needed to realize that I am naturally too weak to do this on my own. I need and yearn for the living streams of water that flow from His love. It’s hardly about what I do or say. All glory must go to Him. Still, I am so thankful for everything. And everyone in this world. I’m realizing that this is a battle. When you fall down, you just have to keep fighting to pull yourself up. I have faith. I went to my churches worship service tonight. It was awesome. I was really pleased that the song I voted for was played as well. After this, I felt so happy. I am still keeping in contact with the woman I went for coffee with a couple of days ago. And I am still seeking. There’s another woman I am talking to right now who seems like a lovely person. I asked her for her phone number. Hopefully things will go well. In everything, I just need to remember that this is all for the glory of God. And that the only way I can glorify Him in the way He deserves is in faith. Not in anything I can do. I need to have faith. It is my prayer that with my death, with what remains, I am able to glorify Him as He so rightly and justly deserves Even in a small way if that is what remains. We’re all broken. We shouldn’t be trying to fix each other. We need to have compassion for each other. Just know that I never meant to hurt your world. That I am praying constantly for you. I hope the best thing happens.