September 22, 2015:

Today, I was at York University transferring busses. I saw a good friend there. I was really happy to hear that he has given up smoking. He says he has replaced yoga for cigarettes/cigars. Lol. He has said that he is giving up smoking so many times now that I’m starting to realize why people stop believing others when they say that. After thinking this particular thought though, I reminded myself that I must have said the exact same thing for a decade, every week at least. I have to remember that eventually I did it. Reminds me never to give up hope on anyone. I hope this time will be the time he does it. We can choose to see the bad or the positive in any situation. I choose to see the positive. I am very torn about what to do over an issue. I will be praying earnestly about it. In the end, I’ll have to do what I think is right. It’s something I should have done right from the start. Please just remember, love is not a contest. God loves you all. None of you are wrong who base your faith in love and peace. It’s definitely about grace. But do not neglect works as well. There are many things I’ll have to consider. I’ll need to remember the amazing support I have received from these people. Also, I cannot forget that there was a very specific reason my heart was reaching for them. If I even still have enough time, I pray that the right thing will be revealed to me. I’m just thankful for the will that I have to make effective decisions for myself. I am thankful for the gift of having the choice. I have not made the decision yet. I am feeling very encouraged this morning and today. I wrote on Michelle’s post on facebook about the university she’ll be attending. Shortly after, I sent her a message, asking her how things were going for her in Australia. She responded a little bit later telling me what’s happening for her and that she’s making friends. I’m so happy for her. We spoke for a while and the conversation ended with her encouraging me to paint. She said my paintings are beautiful. My heart melted. Literally. I’m so glad I have the opportunity to be her friend. I hope this is not the end. A couple of days ago was pretty rough for me. I was in such a hurting place and alone. If you’re not grounded and don’t feel safe in this world, things others do with ease can be the most stressful task for you. Like I have said, every day feels like I ran a marathon the day prior. I was simply weighed down by all of this pain in my heart. I could never fail. Because I have faith in God’s plan. It may be delayed. But I have faith God will make the best of what remains. I pray that is a lot. I pray only for your world. And I am continually praying. I connected to an online chat network where I spoke to a couple of people who were very up front with me about what they were facing and enduring then. It makes me realize how many troopers, warriors and brave people there are in this world. It makes me sad in a lot of ways because we don’t have to be troopers and we don’t have to be brave all of the time. I’m just asking that you not give up. I’m sorry I couldn’t have been stronger. But I will not give up. Ever. “Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isa 40:30-31). God hears you even when you don’t hear Him. We may not even be able to fully comprehend God’s mercy. But we can always be aware of it, in thankfulness. We need to remember that through all, even when we are running as fast as we can away from Him, He loves us more than anything. I think it’s true that He loves us more when we are running from Him. He just wants us to turn back to Him. “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end” (Ecclesiastes 3:11). My church had a couple of very interesting and valuable nights over the past week. I learned a great deal myself about my faith and how to encourage others to keep faith. After church, a couple who also attend offered me a ride. I thought they were going to give me a ride to the bus stop. I was surprised when they drove me home. That’s a long drive! I shared with them my testimony and they shared with me their very touching testimonies. Recollecting actually, a couple of people offered me rides that night. It really is a great church. Which is something I will have to consider. One thing I feel I have to mention is the definition of shame. Shame is so much more than guilt. The definition of shame is ‘A painful feeling of humiliation or distress, caused by the awareness of wrong or foolish behavior.’ Guilt is to say, ‘I did something wrong’. Shame on the other hand, says, ‘I am someone wrong’. Shame bases its roots in who we are. It’s easy to shame a child because children are not aware of ideas like the fact that someone does something to them because of their choices or because they, who are committing the act, are bad (or good). A child believes, especially with sexual abuse directed against it, that it caused the abuse. Reason I have so much difficulty. Because my sense of self is shattered. Christ gives me a new identity. This is why I am continually moving forward. The damage is there. But so is the hope. So is the freedom to make choices for my future, however hindered. I recently started another program at the Gatehouse. It’s an art therapy group. Using creative forms of expression to release anger and other feelings associated with trauma and abuse. I went yesterday and I’m very excited for this. I’m excited to see how it will affect me. I’m starting Men’s Ministry at my church this Thursday. I’m so thankful for this fellowship provided by the church. And I’m looking forward to seeing Jack. It’s been quite a while. Continuing going to the gym. Have been three times this week. And I have a consultation as well. Meeting with a personal trainer to discuss some things. Starting school again. I have enrolled into a semester long program that I’m hoping will help me in my personal studies of Scripture. It’s a distance and online education program but still very focused. Continuing to keep interest in harmonica. I feel I have learned a great deal and am still really enjoying the instrument! I’m certainly going to paint some paintings again. Thanks to Michelle for the encouragement who encourages in more ways than she probably knows. I am currently really engaging in stretching my muscles that are particularly tight. Like my hamstrings and psoas. I’ve committed to doing this a lot in the past as well but didn’t do it long enough to notice effects. I didn’t quit. I stretched every day for like six months. I don’t know. Hoping for better results this time! Maybe in addition to the strengthening work, it will be beneficial. Don’t allow the world and things that are happening here to distort or confuse your understanding of love. “But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded” (2 Chronicles 15:7). I have faith in that. I will never lose faith in that. I’m going to be meeting another woman I met on the dating site tomorrow. I’m really excited for this. I don’t really know what she looks like. She seems like a wonderful person. Her faith is also very encouraging. I am going to be honest with her that I would like to take things very slowly. I hope she is willing to understand. Listen: I know I’ve said I would do a lot of things. And there’s no way that I could feel worse for not being stronger. I’m sorry. I know your world is hurting in many ways. I’m praying with all of my heart right now. I am praying for you all. Please keep faith in God. Because there is absolutely reason to hope. What’s coming is unutterable in its awe and beauty. Keep faith and do not let anyone deceive you away from the Truth of God. Read the Word. But remember, above all, love each other.