Wisdom:

I recently finished reading a book on childhood sexual abuse recovery that juxtaposed the experiences of a number of very brave and beautiful people, their experiences with sexual trauma as children, to that of the sufferings and betrayals of the Lord Jesus Christ. It was a beautiful book. I think that the biggest gift I received from the book was the healing of shame. For a long time, probably since before I can remember, I suffered from a false toxic shame as a result of others actions towards me. The journey to recover from sexual abuse is very real. But so is the ability to heal and recover with the Spirit, to become emotionally clear and purified. The book shared this verse: “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:5-9). Abuse is sin and causes damage to its victim. The paradoxical tragedy about abuse is that abuse survivors live with the damage created by someone else’s sin. Shame is very real. And it weighs us down deeply. The effect that gives abuse its power is not so much only the timeline of events. It is an extra dimension of shame and secrecy, fear and silence, justified anger and suppression. This passage from 1 John emphasizes the fact that Jesus can cleanse us from all sin and unrighteousness. Even if that sin is not our own. God would never hold a child abuse victim responsible. We need to tell God the truth as it is in our lives and allow God to cleanse us from that truth. We need to acknowledge the damage caused by that truth. I prayed this prayer a couple of days ago. Wow! Physically and completely, I did not expect to be healed. But I am feeling so empowered. I am feeling for the first time as though I have an identity. I feel like my feet are connected to the ground on which I walk. It could be simply endorphins I feel about the faith I feel for the future. I will say this: by accepting truth and shedding shame, we can become stronger, compassionate and empowered people. I get encouraged to think about the first time I set foot in a counselor’s office, the first time I entered my group therapy and recognize immediately how well I am doing today. I remind myself of just how far I have come. At my worst, relearning to breathe and swallow my own saliva. At my worst, dragging my feet through the parallel bars at a children’s rehabilitation hospital. At my worst, fixating my sight at the clock in front of me in my own bedroom because it was too painful to even feel. At my best, content in my faith. At my best, feeling good about myself, who I am and not being ashamed of being a human being. I’ll never forget the first time I realized the terrible impact of what happened to me. The sudden awareness of all of these terrible things done to me, the sudden awareness and deep guilt for things that I myself had done was shattering. But I was not alone. And that painful experience was definitely not the end. There was hope in my future. There was peace after the struggle. There was contentment after the fear and shame. I’ll never forget the first time I walked into my group therapy for men survivors of child sexual abuse. I was shivering and emotionally closed off. It was in learning to be vulnerable that I was able to better understand and embrace what I have been through. We need remember at every point in this life, because we are all walking along this path together, we are not alone. We need learn to depend on one another. Mostly, we are not alone because we have One who has gone before us. One who has suffered the human experience greatly, who has felt shame, humiliation, who has been betrayed and injured deeply. One who has conquered death, suffering and fear so that we are able to LIVE. Please continue to have faith. There is a reason for everything. And I pray the reason will be revealed. I ask you to remember the countless times I turned my cheek to oppression and violence. Please remember that I forgave. Remember that I overcame a massive injury and terrible violations. I know I push away offers of love and attention at times. Please just remember the fact that I was never permitted to develop the emotional, social and tools of intimacy that many grow with naturally. It’s not an excuse. But it’s a reason. It’s a reason I am fighting very hard to correct. Shame is not temporary. Shame is something we carry with us. And that shame accumulates. Please remember what I have been through when you examine my life. This is not about reputation or what we do or say. People are very much more than simply what we see on the surface. I know that this sounds contrary to Biblical teaching. I assure you it isn’t. I will find passages to illustrate this. And here is the Scripture verse: “For the corruptible body weighs down the soul, and this earthly dwelling presses many thoughts upon the mind” (Wisdom 9:15).