August 14, 2015:

Today, I am reminded of Genesis 4. “Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it” (Genesis 4:6,7). And, “And my God will supply all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19). I pray daily to God in the Spirit to reveal to me anything that is displeasing to Him. This passage from Genesis applies when we are hurting as well. And there is always reason to hope in Christ Jesus. I feel that things went much better today than in times past. Which gives me hope that I am improving in my faith and my ability to interact with others. But it all reminds me that I have no one to be angry at for my present situation. I could wallow in the very real and understandable anger I hold for the hurts that others have caused me. I could also be angry at myself for allowing the shame and fear to inhibit my own personal growth. Like why I waited this long to start seeking love. I need to remind myself that this was my reaction. And as understandable as it was to have been expected, it will not do me anything positive to be angry at myself for not doing more in my past. I am angry at myself, today, for not allowing myself to open up. I am angry at myself, today, for the feelings I feel that limit me. It is a righteous anger. It is inspiring me to continue. A failure is simply a learning experience. I really honestly cannot even sense if there is a possibility of my experiences having a positive effect on your world. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t have been stronger. To every incredibly beautiful woman who ever took a chance on me, I really wish that I could have been stronger. You deserve so much more and in no humanly way have I ever intended to hurt you. I just want you to know that I will not give up. I will keep faith until the end of the race I am running. I will keep fighting until my heart is ready and able to accept at least a bit of the positive that I know has been staring me in the face. If I could change everything that happened in my life, erase all of the negative experiences that happened, I don’t think I would. Because it would rob me of the joy that I know is coming. It would rob me of the love that I know is waiting for me. Even if it is only a fraction of the love and glory prepared for me, whatever that is, I know it will be awesome. I have tomorrow to look forward to.