August 12, 2015:

I want to say this as a preface to my update and gratitude journal: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Realizing continually that I am a child of God. Realizing how very much I have been forgiven. Realizing it’s not all about me and how I feel. Absolutely remembering and realizing the great gift I have been given and all of the amazing blessings I have been bestowed with. Yet I am torn. Which is not a good thing. I am torn between what I feel may be best for your world and what I need to do for my own personal emotional health and safety. I am torn because I greatly want to do the right thing. I am remembering that people hurt. In my last survivor group session, I looked over and saw tears welling in one of the group member’s eyes. And it hit me that this is more than me and my feelings. I also realized that people care and love each other. In the midst of all of this suffering and pain, I remembered the compassion and empathy that were always there. I know all of this is not making entire sense for you and I regret deeply that much of this is my fault. I know I have actually given you probable reason to not believe me. I have given you a lot of reason not to listen to me. I know that I could be acting better. Not that my behavior is exceptionally bad. I just ask you to understand that many of the flaws you see about me are not character traits. There are so many reasons as to why I do certain things, react in certain ways. They are ways I am suffering. More than anything, I am just asking you to have faith. Not in me. Have faith in God. The human being is so much more than just what we say or do or even think. The human body is such an amazing vessel. Our bodies can be hurt and scarred. But scars and hurts fade and can foster the ability to love so deeply. I am just asking you to have empathy. I only keep faith in the fact that our God is a merciful, loving and forgiving God. My opinion is that everybody should approach the throne of God in tears, knowing they did not deserve His love; knowing what He did for us. But everybody should return from the throne of God in utter joy, knowing that He loves them still. I know for a fact that I do not deserve anything offered me by God. Yet still, freely He gives to those who love Him. Each day is a gift from God. This is not about religion; it’s about a relationship with the Son of God. I just need to know what you need me to do. At the same time, I cannot allow myself to stray from the message God sent me with. But I want very much to do the right thing for God and for your world. I will pray for discernment. These updates, so to speak, are not for my glory or praise. Rather, they are to show that in spite of the fact that I am consciously and actively involved in my own healing process, I am still moving forward in Christ. Even though, most days it’s painful to get up and walk around, I am trying so hard. Every day, I am making the choice to repent of my disobedient heart and to look forward in Christ, putting the past behind me as much as I can. God’s presence is made full in weakness. It’s when I’m weak, He gives me strength. Every time you suffer, remember Christ suffered first. Every time you are persecuted, remember Christ was persecuted first. I thought I couldn’t do it. Place trust in Christ. I will overcome, I will not give up. Reasons to hope: We have been forgiven. There is life after this. We are never alone. God cares about us. Living as God requires is not an impossible task that we have to work towards. I encourage you to remember that it was not for the righteous that Jesus came. The healthy don’t need a doctor. There is hope for everyone in the name of Jesus. We need to repent. God is faithful to forgive.