April 28, 2015:

I am feeling good today. There’s an old allegory about a seed. Actually it was in a meme that I posted to facebook a couple of days ago. It says that to create, sometimes we have to bring about destruction first. As with a seed, it destroys itself, cracks open and loses its inner parts in order to grow into something beautiful. I see value in that thought as a metaphor comparable to the human life. Yesterday, I was feeling pretty rough. Even to the point of losing hope. This morning I am reinvigorated. I went for a jog again and am already noticing improvements. I am able to maintain a jog for longer periods of time now and now when I am done, I am not shaking from muscle exhaustion as much. Yesterday, while downtown, I passed a couple of people who were asking for money on the streets. I gave them each 20$. I have a bit of money and no one to share it with. So, it helps keep me grounded and in touch with others to share what I have. A woman, another person who was asking for money downtown, told me a couple of weeks ago that by offering this money to people, I am preventing them from stealing. This made me feel golden and lit up my day. I am happy to help. Today, I am thankful for the ability to exercise and run. As limited as it is right now, I am grateful that I have the gift of the use of all of my muscles. I am grateful for my friend Eric who wants to play golf again this weekend. It’s really nice of him to offer me rides halfway to the course and back. I am grateful that Rob is back from his vacation safe. It will be good to see him when I do. I am grateful for life. To be thankful for my own would be enough because it’s such a gift but I am thankful for the creative life force in this world sparked by the Father. I am grateful for the fact that I have been able to wake with hope today. And in spite of the fact that it may seem like I am failing, to me and probably to others, I am grateful for the hope of always being able to change. I just pray that people will be patient with me understanding what I have been through. In a sense I am reliant upon their hope. I feel it’s necessary to elaborate on something that I wrote yesterday. Child abuse is a very real crime that in many manners of speaking is entirely unforgivable. For me, this is why I continue to write openly about it, post things about it on my facebook and condemn it publically. For me, I forgive my abusers and I have done so openly and I want them to know that. But just because I forgive them does not make what they did appropriate or acceptable. We need to be able to open ourselves up in the attempt to understand others. Of course, sometimes people do things out of malice. Sometimes, people do bad things because they are stumbled by what has happened to them in their lives. Over the course of their lives, the trauma and shame builds up. Regardless, these are choices and they are wrong choices. And I will continue to speak against this crime because it’s happening a lot in our world and to too many people. The fact is that forgiveness does free the person harmed in every way. And unforgiveness is definitely a large factor in the bondage. But it’s not the only cause of suffering. I read a pamphlet some time ago, in which was written that when you forgive, you understand why they did the things they did to harm you. Because child abuse is such a one sided offence, I had difficulty accepting what the author had said. But I see how it’s possible, with further efforts into my own sense of forgiveness, to see that they were caused to sin by their own sufferings. God bless the people who have harmed me. I am praying for them. I am grateful for the grace with which I have the ability to forgive. I’ve been praying for days for what’s going on in Baltimore and Nepal. More than this, I’ve been praying for the entire world and for the areas that are not as widely reported on. I’ve been praying for this world. But I have faith in a coming world where there will not be all of this pain and all of this suffering. People don’t deserve to suffer and to feel hurt, neglected and shame. Only a little while longer. Have faith. Remember humility. Pride is what caused Satan and many of the angels to fall and to create these lies and deception and pain and suffering and evil.