April 30, 2015:

Today, I am grateful for challenges. Because they can be an opportunity to grow from and to learn about ourselves but most of all, to make yourself try our hardest. This morning, I went for another jog. It was a bit more difficult today. I’m not really sure why. Maybe because of the quality of sleep I got last night. A positive thing about my exercises is that, as I go about my day I am noticing that it hurts less to walk, generally. It’s never too late to feel relief in something as common and necessary as mobility. I will begin painting again very soon. I have two pieces sketched out already. One is tribute to the crucified Christ. Another to the resurrected Christ. Another a picture of a hot air balloon, which I have always found to be a symbol of freedom and peace. I’ve had another insight about myself while communicating with a woman. I realized that the anxiety I have in my body prevents me from at times communicating fluidly. That’s an understatement. In addition, this is probably stemming from early, preverbal trauma, which in many ways hindered my ability to communicate in stressful situations. I’m discovering more and more how much discomfort arises and how difficult it is for me to relax. Most of the time, my body feels relaxed. But my mind or muscles are on a continual watch for things that have the potential to hurt me. These are hurdles that I have to overcome. I view it as a challenge to be triumphed over. I know I can overcome anything trusting in Jesus. Today, I am grateful for the incredible weather that is hopefully here to stay. I am grateful that tonight I have my men’s ministry to go to. As well as the fact that I have my harmonica lesson tomorrow after some time off. I am grateful that tomorrow, hopefully I will see Rob and Seyed, also after a while. I am thankful for the days that I have that are not as great because they make the days that I have that are great so much better. Most of all, I am grateful that I am not the same person as I was this time last year, last month or even last week. I have grown. I am grateful for the grace that is needed to forgive very serious crimes. And again today, I reaffirm my decision to forgive and to show mercy. It is Christ who has given me the gift to be generous with love. Though it is my choice to have mercy and charity, I am nothing next to the grace and unlimited love of God. Continuation: I have to admit. To myself but mostly to you, my journal, which has grown to be symbolic of others. Writing in this offers me solace, as though I were speaking with an old friend. For me, most of the time, it’s easier to communicate my thoughts and emotions to myself in writing because the act of communicating the same thoughts that I convey through here, I have a very difficult time vocalizing in the presence of another or others. I am beginning to notice the effect of the early traumas on my ability to communicate, which seems to be compounded with elevating levels of stress. In saying that, I am only beginning to notice the effect. Not that the effect has just emerged. The effects have existed for most of my life. Still, I have to admit that at times, I forget myself. I lose perspective of myself and think higher of me than I should in some ways and less of myself in others. The paradox in that is the fact that I think highly of myself in ways that are not important and think less of myself in ways that are important. In any case, I only want to do the right thing. The problem for me is that most of the time, my body is in such a perpetual state of stress and hurt that even when I intend to do good, it often comes across as defensive. I find myself thinking a lot of the time (too much of the time) that others do not like me. Or I find myself thinking that they’re thinking about how bad of a person I am. This is my fault. And admittedly, in the past I have been in much worse states than I am now. The fact is that I feel this way because I feel this way about myself in the times when I am distant from Christ. It’s very frustrating for me seeing people’s reactions to me. It’s more confusing than anything else and because of that, I don’t know what to do so I become defensive. It’s very much a reason. But that’s not to excuse my behavior. Sometimes, I think we all have to be reminded that humility and love is not allowing people to walk across us and take advantage of us or to lose completely self-respect. It’s actually a low view of yourself with regards to the fact that there is something much bigger than you, which is always God. But that is not to lose your identity in allowing people to trample across you. Please remember this about humility. False humility and false displays of love may seem nice when you first see them but there is often a deeper element in behind these ersatz traits. My bet is that this knowledge will come in handy one day in the very near future. Continuation: Went to Men’s Ministry tonight. Confessed to the brothers that I have difficulty resisting temptation at times. It felt good to get off my chest that a lot of time I feel really guilty about myself when I sin. And that often I fear that God does not forgive me. Their assurances helped me to contradict this thought. Afterward, Ben offered me a ride to Yonge and 7. Interesting that I was a patient at a children’s hospital that he worked at back in 1999/2000. Something is different today. Please know that whatever it is, I just want to do the right thing. I’m just saying that it is very understandable to me that there are a lot of limitations that I have after living through so much trauma. This is not an excuse. It’s a reason. You already know I want to. But I may not be able to do some things in the way that healthy people are able to. I’m just asking you to have reasonable and appropriate empathy. Here’s a thought for you. Everybody has the capacity to suffer on equal levels in this world. Though, some suffer a great deal more than others. Would we expect a person with no legs to ‘run’ a race? That’s preposterous. Certain things happen to people, which prevent them from doing other things as efficiently. That doesn’t mean that they don’t want to. Though they have not stopped them from trying, they just have physical or emotional or even psychological limitations because of experiences that have shaped them. Okay, it’s a complicated thought. But I hope you get the picture.