April 7, 2015:

I am starting to recognize that I am truly overwhelmed and exhausted. Not physically. Strange enough, as of late, I am getting the least amount of sleep that I have ever gotten but am not utterly and desperately extinguished in fatigue like I would be usually. I am exhausted for my life, emotionally. I know what I should have been able to do. I am exhausted of continuing to rely on God’s grace and all enduring love. Most of all, I am exhausted, if it is even an appropriate word choice in this situation, for my brothers and sisters around the world who could have had assurance of their faith by now. My heart weeps for those who went before having their faiths solidified. I know that God will have mercy on them and that their faith will be rewarded exponentially. I am praying for them every day. The truth is that I am simply exhausted of myself at this point. I know in my heart that I am a sinner and that this desire to sin is naturally set within me. But I really feel as though I am in a place that is miles ahead of where I was at even a year ago. And I don’t feel that I am a bad person, who intentionally lives a carnal life. The truth is about my sanctification that while I recognize I am nowhere near perfect, I have come a very long way. I have quit a three pack of cigarette a day stress induced addiction, I have quit an addiction other stuff at the same time. I then quit an addiction (and that is to say that I am now able to do these things in moderation) to gambling and alcohol. And I have completely run out of my life pornography. I haven't looked at porn in over two years. I have begun to reach out after many crimes. I have encouraged myself to be vulnerable enough to not lash out at people when I feel they are threatening me and my well-being. I have done much with Christ. Even while I know I could never do enough. Really, the only reason I am writing this out is to remind myself of how far I’ve come and to appease myself. Really our hope is not built on our works and what we have done but rather on the love given us by our God who sent His Son as a lamb to sacrifice His own Life for us so that we could all be free. This is a free gift He has given us all. And I have faith that He will not let me down. I just need to keep fighting for the Truth of Christ so that I do not let Him down. In my exhaustion, I will do the only thing that I am able. Rely on Him and trust His promise for me. I just got out of Mass at Church. I will continue to go and keep faith until I am in the grave. I have faith this will not end badly. Do not let a delay in your hope frustrate your compassion. It will come. I know it is frustrating but keep faith. You will not be disappointed. God’s timing is perfect. And I am thankful for life. And for an opportunity to glorify and serve God while I am here.