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Saturday, August 13, 2016

June 7, 2015:

Today, I am thankful for others with similar experiences. I cannot express the joy I feel in my heart in knowing that I am not alone anymore. I cannot express the joy in knowing that I don’t have to hide my emotions anymore and hide behind a masque. I am thankful for the brothers and the facilitators with whom I underwent that incredible experience at the retreat. Last night, I asked for help in my prayers. It was the first time I’d done it just like that. I just asked, “Christ Jesus, help me. Search my heart.” Then, while I slept, I awoke around 3am, where I had an incredibly vivid dream. I wanted to write down what I remembered of it but was too tired. So when again I awoke at 7:30am, I wrote it down. This has never happened. That I remember a dream the same day, after falling asleep again. The dream was as far as I can remember, set in the clouds. There was a train station and trains that just continually kept coming and going. At the end of the dream, right when I awoke, one of my facilitators from my week retreat appeared, held my hand and said simply the words, “Don’t forget that you are very loved.” After this retreat, I feel as though I don’t have to hide behind a masque anymore. I feel as though I can allow the real me out. There is a little anxiety still around this. Especially as I feel that the real me is still very young due to the early traumatic experiences I have gone through. I feel stronger. From the retreat, I got an idea that I am loved for who I am. To be loved on an earthly level is nice. To be loved by God is so much more powerful. But I believe very strongly that if you never experienced love on an earthly level, it’s much more difficult for you to accept the love of God, no matter how strongly He is trying to show it to you. I learned a lot more about healthy sexuality and masculinity. I also got an amazing experience to express a lot of the psychosomatic stress that had been pent up in my heart for a long time. We all got an opportunity to do this in one way or another. To get rid of anger, you have to understand your fears. By going on a mat and letting our anger, sorrow and fear out, or enacting a confrontation scene with our abusers with the role of the abusers played by the facilitators, we were able to release much stress that had accumulated physically and emotionally. We started this process the first day. It really surprised me. It wasn’t what I was expecting. To be honest, I was expecting more of a talking support group environment. It turned out to be a more psychosomatic approach. One thing I do remember is being supported by the guys there. Especially the facilitator’s support I remembered well. It was as though I were crying and being comforted by a caring mother. I have a lot to say about the experience I felt there. It needed to come out. It got to the point this week that I would find myself just going to places of solitude and weep. The best part about that was the fact that regardless of how long I would go or to where I would go, to be sad, I would always return to the group of compassionate and loving people with who I went through this. The most powerful part of this release though was the fact that all after that, I spent a lot of time in prayer, in the Word and just allowing the Spirit of Love to saturate my own soul. We did a lot this week. We went kayaking, which I was kind of uneasy about. The kayaking was difficult because I constantly felt like I was going to topple over. But after a couple of tries I was doing really well and made it out pretty far. I was so grateful for having the opportunity to confront and challenge my fears. Fear truly has nothing on God. The whole week was just filled with so much positivity that I feel now as if I am learning everything all over again. I feel as though I want to chase after the feelings I got there, the breaking fear, the being surrounded by love, the supporting brothers and others in need. After the kayaking, we experienced something called the high ropes. For this there were like five or six others pulling a rope with us attached to it. We all got a chance to go up. But we were lifted really high into the air and then released slowly. I’m afraid of heights and of deep water so I got a chance to challenge myself here. After that, there was a thing similar to that where we were supposed to climb up a ladder, about forty feet. The top of which was a platform from which we were supposed to step off. Supported all the way, most of the guys did it. I had made up my mind that I wasn’t going to do it but then decided after I’d seen a couple of guys do it that I would give it a try. I made it up halfway the ladder first, said no, I’m coming down but then challenged myself further and made it to the top of the ladder, which led into about thirty feet of a stapled ladder. Ladders for me are terrifying. I was very encouraged that I was able to go as far as I did. Another exercise we did was a trust building exercise. We were blindfolded and then led around by our partner. While I was blindfolded, I felt panic at first. I’d never learned properly how to trust so there was a sense that I was being deceived. But, remembering where I was and that I could trust all of the guys with whom I was on the retreat with, I allowed myself to be guided. Guiding my partner was, I found a bit more difficult. I felt like I was failing, really inadequate. Like I was letting him down. It was nice too because when we returned, I voiced this concern and my partner encouraged me by saying I did an awesome job. He found trust very easily and appreciated the way I helped him. We also went on a silent hike. It was like a forty minute walk. I hadn’t walked as far as we did that day for a long time. Only because I know my limits. But there, that week was about testing my limits. So I was literally crippled in pain by the end, my back was giving out and spine was awkward. My feet got messed up for the rest of the week. One of the facilitators asked me if I wanted to get a ride about halfway because I stopped, crippled over. I said no, that I wanted to finish the hike. I did it. But I’m so encouraged by the fact that I did it. Everybody’s encouragement afterward was great. I felt so loved. The whole week, though I got decent sleep, I was processing so much and had so much going on in my mind and heart that, even though I was sleeping well enough, my body was so overwhelmed all week. I was grateful to not have to go through this on my own. Above all, I was faithful and thankful that Christ was with me on the journey. Honestly, I am only so thankful and so in awe of the strength and resilience of the brothers in the group. But mostly I’m in awe of the facilitators who offer their time so willingly and so courageously to do what they do. They’re changing lives and I can honestly say that they have changed mine. Thank you. Thank you John, Nancy, Andrea and Ron for what you do. I can honestly say that being there, emotionally and as much physically as I could be, was the best part of the week. This life is about love. God is love. What do you do for people you love? You put them ahead of you in everything you do. Their life, becomes in a lot of ways, more important than your own. This is so difficult to do. We’re so blessed to have a God who loves us enough to send us the One who was to put everyone’s lives, whoever was and ever will be, ahead of His own. He died for you and I. Jesus is Lord of all. What amazing love. Who else would do this? Who legitimately loved their child? In a different time, Abraham was called to sacrifice his child, Isaac because of his great faith. God sent His Son, the perfect image of He who sent Him, innocent and perfect in every way, with the intention of having Him suffer terribly but then to rise to glory, bringing many to glory with Him. The Word of God is love. I should have been stronger. For God, I should have been stronger. But one thing I will say about myself is that I am very resilient. I will never give up. This journal, the triumphs and gratitude as well as finding grace, love and strength are testimony about the love of God and what He has done and continues to do for me. It’s all His. It’s all for His amazing glory. And He very much deserves it. God is truly great!

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