March 26, 2015:

Today, I am grateful for the Spirit of Easter. I am so thankful for our Lord Jesus Christ, His death, but mostly, His resurrection, which gave hope to all mankind. This season reminds me that there is still so much hope for me, God’s grace willing and that my wounds can still be healed. Wednesday of this last week, I went again to my support group for child sexual abuse survivors. The topic we discussed was sexuality. I found myself bitter at even the thought and announced that I had little to say on the subject. Until, the end of the meeting came and one of the facilitators asked me about my perspectives on pornography. I found myself speaking for a couple of minutes about my intense fear of women because of the nature of the relationship with the person who continually abused me in emotional and often aggressively sexual ways. Others in the group empathized. Overall, a general theme that we all found it incredibly difficult to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, rang out. Most of the guys there were lucky, blessed enough to be able to form this bond with others. For me, in this session of the group, I was able to process a lot of my fears regarding women. I am avoidant because I do not want to be hurt again. It’s an instinctual fear that paralyzes me and has ruined many opportunities and relationships for me. Love heals. It absolutely does. Sometimes, a person who has been hurt really badly with love as the reason for their expressing that hurt toward that person, that person needs to be shown love. Think of a dog, beaten, abused and neglected from its very first day alive. At the sign of affection, really any sign of contact with it, it will recoil and resist, perhaps even becoming aggressive. How much more complex, the human being. I do not hate women. I am only very scared of them. Much like an abused dog will be scared of all people. Overall, I have faith in my Lord who, with faith, was able to raise the dead, heal the lame and cure the blind. And I will not give up on love. I am thankful for a God who loves me even though I was never taught how to or shown any love. I posted this entry in my journal as a testimony. Knowing that just over a year later, after having challenged my intense fear of heights, I have also started to recover from these fears and feelings with the help of a beautiful friend.