May 20, 2015:

I don’t know what to say today. I am thankful that my heart has been humbled. I am grateful for the perceptions of others and though, while not in a positive way, have been shaping my heart and encouraging me to keep a humble outlook. I am thankful for the Truth and for the Light of Day. And though it still feels a little unfair that the sin that was committed against me is still very much under a veil of darkness to the world, I have faith that in time, with my continued hope and perseverance, it will be made clear to the world along with everything else that needs to be made known. In any case, I pray that your world shall receive a fair blessing. I am thankful for my friend Maria. She is an older black woman who is on welfare. She is the woman to whom I have given about five to six hundred dollars over the past couple of months. I’m grateful for her because I know that with the money I give her, she is glorifying God by encouraging her children. Sometimes, I have to continually tell her that I cannot give her any more money because she continues to ask. I will offer her a hundred dollars and she will ask for one twenty. Still, I know she needs the money a lot more than I do. I showed her a Bible verse: 2 Corinthians 9:7 that says that out of charity, you should give cheerfully and not out of reluctance. I had to remind her that I had given her much out of cheer but I did not want to be reluctant because I have to live on the money as well. One reason I continue to want to help her is because I see a kind side to her. After telling her that I am very lonely most of the time, she invited me to the movies with her. She also has a manuscript that she has written for a children’s story. I told her to encourage her that I am praying that her manuscript is considered by publishers. I am continually praying for those who have hurt me in my life. It’s only natural that we as humans should feel, should be lonely, should suffer. I think we have gotten caught up in a real life fallacy that once we accept Christ, He instantly heals every ailment and every pain. What does it mean to be a follower of Christ, the Messiah? Is it to experience only joy while repressing any bad emotions that should happen along the way? Or is it to suffer? Is being a follower of Christ to own and confront pain and experience true forgiveness and love from the joy you have experienced with overcoming the pain that has bottled up in your heart over the course of your life? He offers us peace and joy in the midst of these pains and trials. You could call any human being insane by judging them by their mistakes. I am not saying any of this to be critical of you or your society. I am saying this in love. What if what I am saying is true? Please have faith. God’s love is good and pure. I just want to do the right thing. Continuation: In my last post, I had written that being in Christ is not only joy. I said that to follow Christ means that you will suffer. Do not be mistaken that to follow Christ means to take up your own cross and probably means you will have to lose a lot of comfort. I, personally have lost most of my family. But don’t get me wrong. There absolutely is a great joy in following Christ. There is a joy in the knowledge of an eternal hope and faith in the life that absolutely awaits you. But it is a humble and silent joy. I recently had an experience of temporal despair where I thought I had lost my hope. It wasn’t until this moment that I realized how much joy I truly had all along. It is a quiet confidence in the assurance of Life. There is joy in Christ in being a cheerful giver. There is so much joy in offering others the things which we have been blessed to have in abundance. Whether that be time, money, empathy. We give so freely and cheerfully because we have been blessed and forgiven. Personally, I give away much of what I have because I have received a gift far exceeding the value of any earthly gift that I could have. I give because I know where my future is. And to be deprived or to not have what I had before in this life is of no avail to me. I went to church tonight. Coming out of Mass there were two people asking for money on the street. I gave the first twenty dollars. He thanked me and went to hug me. A couple of minutes later, after this while of speaking to him, he walked over to the curb and vomited. I hope he wasn’t drunk. He didn’t smell it. I gave the other person asking for money twenty dollars and she blessed me and told me how much I had helped her. She said again that this summer, I would get a miracle. I will be praying for her. I still don’t know whether people are reading this through my computer. If you are, I want to take this opportunity to bless you and to praise you. I am happy to share my thoughts with people. Again, I only pray that you don’t judge me too harshly for the selfish, despairing thoughts that may be a part of this piece of writing. It was not intended for others to read. Again, I am happy to share my thoughts. In a couple of weekends, I am going on a retreat program for survivors of childhood sexual abuse called the Paths of Courage. I am a little anxious because I don’t know whether I will physically be able to do a lot of the stuff that they want me to do. Rock climbing, boating, hikes etc. Regardless of my anxiety, I am going to go there open and plan to finish until the very end. I don’t want to allow my difficulties to set my limits. I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me. I also asked a guy I worked with at the Flying Walrus, a York U publication if I could contribute to an event he’s hosting. It’s an art show in support of Nepal with all of the dreadful earthquakes there. I’ll keep going. I will not let my past define me in what I do and think about myself. Only because of God. Only because of Christ. And with the knowledge that everything good I do, every suffering, every experience and thought is for Him and to glorify Him. Praise the Lord!