Saturday, August 13, 2016
I am the first to admit that I am not perfect. And that I have made mistakes. But I also feel very comforted in the fact that everyone else has too and nobody really is perfect. What I truly feel comforted in is the fact that I have a Savior who gave His life so that I could have my sins forgiven. At church last week, I served as a greeter at the front door so I had an opportunity to open the door for people to welcome them. This felt so great. I really enjoy this position with my church family. I feel I get from it a lot more than I put into it. And I put everything I have into it with my limitations. At one point, I heard a song being sang coming from the lower level of the church sung by kid’s voices. I got closer to the stairwell and could distinguish some of the lyrics. They were singing “I Am” by Crowder or maybe it was another artist’s song. I just got so overwhelmed with feeling when I heard it being sung. It is so powerful to me to see new generations praising the Lord. Here’s another positive piece of news: I downloaded an audio Bible from the Sony Playstore and am listening to it wherever I go. I can’t really believe that it took me so long to realize that this was a thing. It’s a great way to privately be in the Word when you are out doing stuff. I feel as though I am being misunderstood in a lot of ways by people. I am a human being. We are all human beings. We are not robots. We all have feelings and there is very often, reasons for why we do everything we do. As neurotic and sometimes insane as a person’s actions may seem to one other person, to the person committing those actions, there is most of the time, a very reasonable, logical reason for why they are doing it. These reasons can stem from anything, a childhood experience from which they learned to do something in response to a trigger. Do not judge merely by appearances but rather, judge righteous judgement. Even paranoia, though entirely an assault of the evil one, at one point or another was harbored as a rational defence against something interpreted as hostile. I’m saying this with love. And in no way is what I am saying new. I just stating Truth. Truth is not hate. I can’t think of a fate worse in this entire existence that is life than losing the Spirit of God. This thought, though as far as I am aware, is impossible would be the very worst fate any human being could ever experience. Let the Kingdom of God be like a treasure in your heart. The only thing worse than losing the Spirit would be to be told that you cannot have the Spirit that gives you Life because you refused the gift that makes it possible. Praise the Lord Jesus Christ. I suffered a lot with pride in my life. But I will attest to the fact that I have only written down what I know to be Truth and what has been revealed to me through the Spirit and through my time spent in the spiritual realms. Another thing that I feel I have been misunderstood regarding is when I laugh. I get the feeling that many think I am doing this because I am glorifying myself. The fact is that when I experience these feelings, something overwhelming has come into my awareness. The emotions are too much to bear. Especially when I am complimented, I feel this. Most of the time, it’s far too powerful a sensation for me to feel the emotions connected to what’s being told me that I become overjoyed and thankful. This also stems from the fact that as a child I rarely experienced genuinely honest love and affirmation. For the most part, this sensation for me stems from the fact that I have seen the future that awaits me. I know that I have hope. I would like to think that I feel this a lot more than I feel dejected and abandoned by God. Which also is understandable with what I have been through. I’m rejoicing when I feel this. I don’t know. Maybe I am just reading too much into things. Maybe people don’t feel this at all. I’m increasingly learning through the Spirit that my sanctification comes not from myself or my good works but rather through the Word of God and through the grace that I am reliant upon for my salvation. I completely know that in my life, and in the position of responsibility that I was in, I have messed up a lot. I pray that all of you can understand what I was going through as a human being as well. It is through understanding what others experience that we can develop empathy and compassion. I pray that whatever happens, God is glorified as He deserves. It is my prayer that whatever happens, the people of God can unite in love and humility and that they are blessed. It is my prayer that whatever happens, the world, the non-believers will see the Truth and experience love. It is my prayer that the children will find rest. I pray that those who persecute the People of Glory and the little children may repent and see Truth that is available to all. Most of all, I pray that regardless of what happens to me, that God may be glorified from the life that I have lived. God bless. Continuation: I went to Cornerstone Bookshop to pick up a few books that I’d ordered. One is called ‘Voice Found’ or something. It’s a Gospel oriented healing approach to adult male child sexual abuse survivors. Looking forward to diving into it. I have found one other Biblical based book of healing for this issue and didn’t find it much help. It was very useful just I knew everything that was said. The book I got today is unique in that it offers insights from a couple who are survivors; truths as they say. I can only imagine that they are going to offer truths of love and light regarding some of the messed up ways of thinking that have been engrained into my mind because of what has happened to me. In any case, I am looking forward to reading it. I also went shopping this evening. It was nice because I got a whole bunch of vegetables and fruits. And I got four lemons so I can squeeze them into some water when I wake up. When I got home, I was very tired. I watched a couple episodes of Community. Listening to my Youtube worship playlist, I sang along with the songs until I got to Crowder’s “Here’s my Heart”. I wept. Occasionally I need a purge of emotion. Somehow, I feel it’s true of everyone. So many emotions, so many thoughts. Sorrow, wounded ego, guilt. But it always comes back to hope. It always comes back to love and faith. In my last post, I mentioned that I struggle a lot with pride, sometimes in ways others cannot see. I want you all to know how sorry I am for not being stronger. I feel a forgiveness for what I have done. Whatever happens to me, I just want so much now for the right thing to happen. I want you all to know how badly I feel for coming so late. It is my sincerest prayer that your world receives a blessing it is so due. And I will not lose my soul. I want so much what God has to offer. I have failed until now. But I will not fail completely.