May 25, 2015:

God is great. Truly, I am helpless and in awe each time I think of His incredible love. I am speechless to remember His gift to us all. His love that can be seen and found in such seemingly small things. A smile from a stranger. A friend inviting you over out of the blue for a barbeque and board games after. They are small things on a scale to the human race. But how vast? How wide can love’s reach extend? In the Quelle, there is a statement made by Jesus (perhaps) that goes something like ‘to he who understands His (Jesus’) teachings and puts them to practice – love and peace – will rule the world with a rod of iron’. As much as I have developed the defence mechanism of overthinking almost everything that I come across, I can truly and genuinely say that in my life, I am very, very blessed and lucky. I have incredible friends, an incredible church family, and great talents that I am blessed to be able to use for good. Today, I am going to my survivor support group. I feel like I’ll have much to talk about as I have been reading a great book on moving on after child sexual abuse from a Gospel approach. Next week, I am going on the retreat in Picton for abuse survivors. I can’t wait. It looks like it’s going to be a lot of fun. I don’t know why I got the impression it was like a boot camp. I called this morning, their office and they assured me that they will work around my physical limitations. Still, I plan to go into it with the feeling in my heart that it’s going to be like a boot camp. Because I don’t want any of my limitations to define me or who I am. Went to Walmart last night where I got a few gifts for the Hospital for Sick Children. Brought them to the hospital today. I intend to buy a few iPads and donate them to their wards as well. I’m going to do the same for Holland Bloorview. It’s a children’s rehabilitation hospital that I stayed at over a decade ago. I really do not know why it’s taken me so long to do something like this for the hospitals that in so many ways, saved my life. I am grateful that God has put it on my heart now. When I was walking down Yonge, after coming from Sick Kid’s, I saw a guy on the street who was whittling pieces of wood into figures of birds and ducks. I bought a bird and gave him double what he had asked for it. It was nice to see someone with this skill. And I was happy to support him. I’m starting to notice that some people are upset with me. It’s clear that people are upset at me, or at least were a couple of days ago. Within reason, there is something that I have done that is clearly wrong. I’m telling the truth when I say that what I have done has been clouded in my mind, perhaps because of guilt or embarrassment, perhaps bewilderment. I confessed the extent of many bad things that I did in my past and asked for forgiveness. Whatever the case may be, I accept responsibility. I guess I’m just asking for you to have compassion on me knowing my own life history. I guess what I’m saying is that my past does not make things that I have done any more right. My past does not justify my own actions. I guess I’m just asking everyone to forgive me. I’m not asking for another chance. And I don’t want people to treat me like a celebrity. I don’t want people to pity me. I just want to see the right thing happen. I want people to know I am truly sorry for anything that I may have done in my past to hurt people. Whether derived from feelings of pride, lust, anger or fear, I repent. We all have pasts. I want anyone in my life who has hurt me to know that I not only forgive you completely, I love you very much. But the reason that I can forgive such horrible crimes is because I have been blessed with the spiritual insight of seeing why people commit sin and do bad things. We need to have compassion and empathy for each other. The human being is a complex organism that reacts and develops intricate and beautiful ways of surviving through the worst of adversity. They are intricate and beautiful because they helped us survive through terrible stuff. But they also have the potential to be destructive, disruptive and hurtful. Please remember this verse: “Neither circumcision or uncircumcision means anything; what counts is the new creation” (Galatians 6:15). I feel very much as though I am entirely a new person from fifteen, twenty, ten years ago. We’re humans. With very real feelings and thoughts. And we are all tempted. But the tempting comes according to your own experiences, sufferings and life path. A fair example of this would be lust. If you’re married or are able to have your needs met in a fulfilling way, you’re less apt to be tempted sexually. If you were abused in sexual ways as a child and at the present time, have no options for release, you’re bound to be tempted. Then there’s the issue of pornography and increasing and insatiable desires. This is a reason the Apostle Paul says, “If you are unable to control your sexual appetite, be married”. An example of this sin following from experience is evident in a problem perhaps only a few can relate to. I am one of those. Occasionally, but especially about ten years ago, when I was at college, it is excruciating for me to walk and often just to move around. Because, especially at that time ten years ago, it was such a task to move my body, this contributed a lot to the reasons why I was always very defensive and hyper vigilant. It was not me who was desiring to willingly sin by shouting at people. I guess that what I am saying is that when you’re constantly in pain as well as suffer with the issues resulting from my childhood, you’re not always intentionally malicious. Had you have known me four, five years ago, I can guarantee that very few of you would want anything to do with me. Merited, there were indeed a few. And I give them full credit for being my friend. You wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with me because I was literally unlovable. Because of the terror of my childhood, I had developed masques and defence mechanisms, sometimes flat out defensiveness in order to keep others at bay. I would literally go around my community shouting at people. Such an important thing to remember, maybe to learn, is that none of this, none of my actions, defences, anger was a clear picture of who I am or was. It was a result of suffering. I take a lot of pride in the fact that I have changed a lot now. What residual wounds remain are often what cause me to feel as if that pain is being repeated. And which causes me to act out. Otherwise, people just don’t understand. When I am walking and look straight ahead, avoiding eye contact, it’s usually because of the fact that it is just too painful to walk or look at their reactions at how they perceive me. Not always, but often, good people are made to act out because of their traumas and sufferings. Act in love. Have compassion and empathy for everyone. You do not know their pasts. God will make Himself known. You just have to be patient. Why would God choose pretty much all of His prophets to have such terrible imperfections? That’s plaid. It’s because God loves us, imperfection and all. As long as we turn back to Him, He will forgive. God loves us though we are suffering and fearful and hurt and angry and sad. But it is from that imperfection that God is able to make sometimes miraculous transformations in people’s lives. Look at the life of Elijah, who was depressed to the point of death, whom God used to change the world for many generations. Look at Jonah, who was so firm in his beliefs that he willingly ran from the voice of God when he heard it, who was still used to bring one of the worst in terms of sin in history to repentance because it was God’s will. For us, He sent a perfect Life to purchase our salvation. Isn’t that Good News? I know it’s easy to allow your emotions to dictate your beliefs. Always try your best to act in love. The people of Glory are to love each other as well as the broken nonbeliever. We are all to love each other. That’s the will of God. Continuation: Today is a beautiful day outside. Apparently, it’s like thirty degrees out. Glorious! I’m feeling fatigued. I think it’s because I’m having such a difficult time walking today. Regardless, I am blessed and happy to be out breathing this marvelous air. This morning, I sprinkled some bird seed out my front door. It’s freezing in my room in the basement of my place because the landlord put on the air conditioning already. It makes sense because the upstairs of the house is really warm. Understandable. The landlord was kind enough to come to my place almost immediately to help to block up the vent in my room. That was very nice of him. Then I went to the shoe store and got a new pair of shoes. Lol. I feel as though I am the shoe store’s best customer because of the fact that I’m in there just about every month to get a new pair of shoes. Because of some nerve damage to my foot, the toe of my left shoe gets worn out very quickly. This is very frustrating. My last pair, I actually wore out so much that for a couple of days towards the end of wearing them, I returned home, took off my shoes to realize that my sock was covered in dirt. It’s tough because, for the first two weeks of wearing a pair of shoes, I’m still getting used to how they affect my walk, and the last two weeks, my walk is noticeably changed into a way that is not natural. So really there are only a couple of days that I wear them when it is comfortable to walk. In any case, it’s not going to help to complain. I’m noticing that it has definitely improved. I went to the Apple Store after where I bought three iPads. I brought the first two to the Hospital for Sick Children. I plan to bring the other one to Holland Bloorview, the rehabilitation hospital for children. I’ve yet to go to Bloorview but I intend to go to Walmart and get a bunch of toys, books and other stuff so that I can bring it there too. When a woman named Andrea came to pick up the iPad’s she told me that they were going to be very useful. Because in a lot of ways they provide the children a distraction when they are having surgery or just being on the units. I nearly wept when she said this. Because I know very well how important stuff like that can be. I just pray that wherever my gifts go, they can bring happiness and joy to one child’s life. I want so much to help people because I have been in a situation where I was very much alone in the world. Today, I am thankful for pain and trials because these things give you an opportunity to overcome and break through and shine your love. I have a lot of love in my heart. Even though in so many ways, it’s all stifled and silenced. It’s dying to come out. In a sense, I think we’re all like that in many ways. I am getting really excited for this Paths of Courage retreat in a couple of days. It looks like it’s going to be a lot of fun! Rob has invited me for poker and a bbq the day before I leave. Praise God for good friends and for the life and spirit within all of us! Praise the Lord! I am so incredibly thankful today. I am so thankful for everything, from the fact that I am breathing to the fact that tomorrow I’ll have church to go to. I met with my friend Maria this evening. She’s the older woman who is on welfare. She told me about a manuscript that she has completed and would like me to read through and edit. I can tell that she is very proud of it. And she should be. I became overwhelmed a couple of times when she was telling me the plot behind her story. I have been and will continue to pray for her story. I feel as though she wants very much to be a successful writer. I am proud of her. Towards the end of our meeting for coffee, she asked me for money again. To tell the complete truth, if I had the money, I would support her and her son because I see that she is seeking the best for her family. But like I tell her every time I see her, I cannot give her money every time I see her. I need the money I have. And I am very quickly running out. Just because I am running out of money, does not mean I will stop being generous. I will give whatever I am able. In any case, I gave her sixty five dollars today. I was saddened that I couldn’t offer her more. I need to survive too. I hope it will be able to help her in the coming weeks. Yesterday was an amazing day. I spent the morning exercising and lifting. In the evening, I went to Men’s Ministry. It was a great discussion that we had based around Galatians 2. We discussed the idea of works vs. grace. I came away with a lot from this meeting. And I felt like I contributed a bit as well. We talked about the idea that as Christians, our salvation is secure. And that we do not have to do works or prove anything to God for Him to love us anymore. That’s when I raised the question: Are good works not beneficial? Rather, I believe that it is through the good works the Spirit puts on our hearts that our salvation and faith is not secured or assured. Instead, the good works that we do in the Spirit offers evidence to a nonbelieving world of the goodness of the work that God and our Lord has done in and through us. Like today, when I was having coffee with Maria, I honestly did not desire to give her money. I just wanted to meet her for a coffee and chat and have a friendly time. I was not intending to give her cash like I do sometimes when I see her. But when she asked and after I had a moment to think about it, I decided to offer her help. A couple of days ago, I went to Walmart and bought some toys and gifts and to the Apple Store where I bought an iPad. I brought these things to the hospital for children where I spent some time recovering. There was hardly any forethought on my part before I did this. It was like a pulling sensation in my heart that convinced me to do this. I’m trying very hard to do what I think is right. But this is what I believe now: I am not saved based on anything I do or can prove to my God. I am saved because of what Jesus did for me. Still I think it’s important to see good works for what they are. He who isn’t against us is for us. House cannot be divided. As long as the motivation is there to love is there, we can’t go wrong. Do these things to glorify God, in the name of our Lord Jesus, to show the work God is doing in our hearts. I experienced a powerful insight a couple of days ago on the bus. I was reading the healing book for survivors of childhood sexual abuse and was reading a paragraph about one of the writer’s experiences as a child. It was just such a powerful experience and feeling of empathy. I remember I just read the described experience and almost wept because I could picture this child’s experiencing what he described. I just had the thought in my mind, “This is a person’s life. This is a child’s life. Somebody experienced this.” It was just so very powerful. I’ve had a choice about everything over the course of my life. But my ability to make that choice was weighed very much against me from the very beginning. I never really had the situational right to develop my identity as a man. There are so many factors that made my escaping in many ways, improbable. I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I am stating fact. What I can have a say about and commit to is what I do next. And I am not going to give up. I will keep fighting and hold onto my faith because that’s all I know how to do. I will not lose. Name of Jesus. Powerful tool and weapon against the darkness. Every human life is valuable to God. I’m sorry if I have ever been blunt with truth that I know. If I am especially critical of a particular people, it’s because I see the potential within them to be harbingers of the Truth. Know that you are loved. I’m not going to stop telling my truth. I’m not saying that it’s happening, but I will not be silenced again. I’m not crazy. The silence is a big reason why I find it so difficult to express myself verbally. Well, the next couple of days should be interesting. Tomorrow, I’m going to church. My friends are playing poker after and maybe having a BBQ. I won’t see Eric this week for golf because I am going on the Paths of Courage retreat. Still, I am grateful he asked me if I wanted to play. I am so very thankful for amazing friends. I am thinking of Michelle. I am praying that she is blessed financially and for her salvation. I know that whatever she decides to do, she will make quite a difference. I pray that she is happy in whatever she does. A couple of days ago, I got a phone call from a group member from the survivor support group that I was a part of at the Gatehouse Toronto. I’m not sure if I ever mentioned it here but it’s a survivor support group for male childhood sexual abuse survivors. In any case, one of my friends from this group, called me and asked if I was going on this retreat. I said yes. He told me he is too. So he’s going to offer me a ride there. I thank God for this coincidence and am happy that I will have a familiar face there. I plan on growing a lot at this retreat. Spiritually, I’ll be in the Word every chance I get. And in prayer. I guess, another message I want to pass out tonight through this to you journal, is that I love you. Remember the importance of love. It’s such a beautiful thing when a person embraces the concept that they are loved. Truly and unconditionally loved. What a difference that would make if our society were to embrace that concept. And by God, it’s so true. You are all loved, unconditionally. I want you to know that God sees your pain, He sees your heart break and suffering. He sees your sorrow and the times you struggle with your bank and family and your job and friends. He sees all of this. This changes. When I think about pain and sadness and any other grief, I like to remember that there almost always follows a period of comfort, contentment and peace. Life can be painful. Life can be stressful. But one thing never changes. The love of God. God is always great. God is great in comfort and through stressful times. And He always loves us. If we choose to accept His love. Praise God!