Notes:

I went to church today and yesterday. I’m not going to give up. I want to live this life. Because I see the possibility of what lies ahead. I am praying constantly. I am praying for God to open my heart to trust His love increasingly. There is a reason I find trust so difficult. I am praying for forgiveness from God Almighty for the acts that I have done, for the fact that I am a sinner. I know I don’t deserve this. But because of what Christ did for not just me, but for everyone. I am praying for a heart of repentance and that those who I have hurt may find healing and will also see truth. I intend also to fix my foot. I’ve tried a lot to fix my foot. Nothing has worked. But I have done things people told me were impossible many times in my past. I will do it. I know I don’t deserve anything. I am praying for mercy. In the fact that I went through so incredibly much. In the fact that I have changed who I am. I can’t express how difficult this was. But when you see that you are hurting someone, you’ll do whatever it takes to remedy the situation. Not that I have done anything to intentionally hurt anyone in a very long time. But, in my perspective, even using pornography indirectly contributes to the shaming and mistreatment of people. All I will do is continue to have faith and express love. Everything is about God’s mercy and love. I just want you to know is that God loves us in spite of our sin. I don’t think many people would be willing to say they’ve never done anything wrong. That is not a judgment from me. We are all sinners. But God loves us anyway. Because He sees why we are tempted to sin. But more so, because of the Savior, Lord Jesus’ sacrifice. It’s about grace. Relationship because our Heavenly Father chooses to have a relationship with us through grace and love. Please understand there is a reason for my actions. Please understand also the pretty big steps I am taking to ensure this never happens again. I haven’t looked at porn in well over eight months, smoked anything for probably two and a half years. Yes, I am ashamed of the life that I have lived. Not that my life has been, in any excess, a bad life. I am ashamed of the fact that my life has been in disobedience to God. Even knowing why I was disobedient and what caused that disobedience. But it was because of the things I have been through that I was deeply tempted to act out. I am a different man today than I was ten years ago, five years ago, even a week ago. I am proud of the man who I am becoming in Christ. I continually need to remind myself that this is not at all about anything I can do as a means of earning the love of God. It’s all about God’s grace. Though works will naturally follow when you love, it’s about a relationship of love and truth. This evening I went to the Real Canadian Superstore where I bought a bunch of gifts to pack into two Samaritan’s Purse Christmas shoeboxes. I got one for a little girl and one for a little boy. In each, I packed a card. I hope that the gift can bring some joy to a child’s Christmas with their family. The whole day, I spent stretching and attempting to gain mobility of my ankle. It didn’t work that well today. But I will keep trying. I never want again to forget about how much I have to be grateful for. To start that off again, I am endlessly thankful for God’s abundant grace, forgiveness and love today. In the end, all He wants from any of us is to show Him we love Him for His amazing, endless creation, gifts and life. I am trying to humble myself. I feel overwhelmed when I am shown love. And smiling and exasperation is a defence mechanism. And I don’t think this is a result of pride. Just my inability to accept anything worthwhile like love or appreciation. I’m getting better at feeling this way but it is very difficult. Know that I am relying on the mercy and love of God and of all of you. I am just asking, again, that you keep a couple of things in mind. First, the extent to which I myself was a victim. Second, the extents to which I have gone to change. I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor in Christ. God loves us and wants so much for our love. Satan is the enemy. That one is the cause of all that is and has gone wrong in our world. A lot of us, myself included, spend our time and energy focussing on the negative things of this world that we sometimes forget why we embarked on this journey in the first place. I pray continually for our brothers and sisters who are being persecuted overseas. Of all faiths. We are brothers and sisters. We all share the uniting theme that we suffer. Remember Christ. What He did. Who He came for. And why He came. Don’t let your hearts harden. Was Christ condoning sexual immorality when protecting the woman caught in adultery? Or rather, did he choose to see a human being in need of help and of divine forgiveness? Love.