November 19, 2015:

It’s been a while since I have written an entry here. Please know that I continue to work and to pray for you. I went to the gym a couple of days ago. It was a bit more difficult due to the fact that I am fasting still. I am not complaining. But I was unable to lift the amount of weight I am used to. On that note, I am on day eight of my twenty day fast. I am reading the Psalms through in addition to the Gospel of John during this time. I am in prayer every day. I have remained abstinent during this time, have only eaten vegetables and fruit and chewing gum and drank tea, water and isolate protein shakes in water. I am not going to lie, I am missing foods a lot. Considering the fact that I have cut out every bad habit and coping mechanism I used to have; gambling, alcohol, nicotine (I went from three packs a day to 0 in a day – thanks to the grace and power of Christ), pornography, masturbation. But considering this fact, I seem to have adopted eating as a way to comfort my emotional distress at times. So, because it has such a powerful appeasing effect upon my emotional well-being, giving up most foods has been very difficult. But that’s not the worst of it. I don’t want to sound gross or taint these series of writings, but it feels like my man bits are freezing. They’re numb. Haha. I want to make very clear again that what I am doing I would not recommend to anyone, nor is it an expectation of Christ that we do these sorts of things. It is however, beneficial towards an individual’s faith and relationship with the Lord to fast and to be in prayer and in the Word. In any case, over the past week, I have been in contemplation, considering mostly whether I should change churches. I think I still need some time in deciding. I have not made any announcements or notifications to my home church. Though I have been attending the Catholic Rites of Christian Initiation class at a church near me. The reason I am finding it so difficult in making the move is because of what I feel I would be walking away from. I love my home church very much. I went to the RCIA class last night. I took a short cab ride there due to time. In the cab, the driver voiced his concerns about his finances. He told me he was a Christian. He made it very clear how hard it is for him to make a living and to support his family. That he had been praying to God that He would provide him with meaningful work. I listened and tried to encourage him by saying that there may be difficulty in this world. But that we have to have faith that we will be rewarded. I told him a bit about what happened to me and that in my situation, without trying to offer advice, being grateful is enormously helpful. When he dropped me off at the church, I gave him an extra 20$ as a tip and thanked him for working so hard. All of this just reminded me of how important gratitude really is. And it made me realize that I have a habit of remaining grateful during good times, when things are going well. But I need to remember to be grateful in the hard times as well. Over the past couple of weeks, I have been very overwhelmed. It’s clear that my mind was trying to avoid the consequences of my disobedience and fear. My feelings clicked after hearing about what happened in France. It’s happening more than what is televised. It’s happening every day. Just praying for His mercy and understanding in the knowledge of why I had so much difficulty. I know I don’t deserve that. I promise you that it’s not going to be like this forever. Didn’t realize what was happening. I’ve been proud and have placed myself over others. I felt a lot of sorrow this morning. I’m just praying sincerely for those who are hurting tonight. Please hold strong to your precious faiths. I have faith God can make the best of this situation. Something in the midst of this experience, hearing about Boko Haram and ISIS and others, committing these unspeakable crimes across the world, made me remember a peculiarly wonderful feeling I had associated with the Gospel at the beginning of last summer. That feeling was such an enormously peaceful and passionate rest. That feeling, likewise, had come after a period of grief, despair and fear. The feeling was simple but it reminded me of the blessings of the love of God. This world is full of suffering and people who want to hurt others. The feeling I had reminded me that Christ came and accomplished His work so that we could be filled with love. It is that love that triumphs over the despair of seeing others hurting and so much pain and suffering in the world. It is love that triumphs. It is about Christ. The Gospel is really about so much more than that. But truly, it is about love. And if you are loved, you can overcome the darkness of suffering. Anyways, during this time, I was really overwhelmed and depressed in a lot of ways too. I wasn’t going to the gym. But I was lifting in my home. After I was reminded of that feeling, I was reminded to be grateful. I was reminded that after feeling this feeling, I saw the world through a lens that made everything lighter, like it sparkled. I’m trying to think of better ways to describe that feeling without appealing to a lame Twilight joke. (I liked the movie.) It’s literally what happened though. The world sparkled. I do absolutely want this. I have never experienced love. I want to. I don’t know how. My trust was broken at such a young age. I want this. I want this very much. I’m hurt on every level. This is not an excuse, but a reason. *Forgiveness, endurance and generosity*. Being a follower of the Way means to pick up your cross. Whatever that is, it may hurt. But it’s for your good and for God’s glory. The accumulation of trauma can affect the way we express ourselves and our ability to formulate thoughts. In my case, I just always assumed that because I was preverbal when the molestations and other maltreatments began, I just never was allowed to learn to express myself. Later, I would realize that it was the tension in my body and mind that were freezing my confidence to form reasonable thoughts. It was my lack of esteem about my identity that was crippling my even ambition to communicate with others, thinking inherently even that what I had to say wouldn’t matter anyway. It was this deeply rooted shame that prohibited me from speaking my God-given voice. And I want to remind you again that this was not a character flaw. It was a result of being hurt, traumatized. Rape, especially childhood abuse and incest, unlike other forms of violence is particularly devastating to a child. I’m just asking you to understand what I have been through. There is absolutely a reason for my feeling the way I do. May I remind you that what you hear, even what you see sometimes is not truth. In that it omits context. I made a statement a couple of years ago that ‘anyone with a microphone or a camera could make any living being like a criminal.’ Keep things in perspective. Use reason and logic to discern truth about issues. Everything I am saying and doing comes from the perspective of my experiences and the way I was treated. Very real experiences. Please, consider what I have been through when you think of me. I will finish this as an entry a bit later, journal. Please know that I am trying very hard and that, though I have been experiencing justified depression (not that any depression is unjustified), I am pulling myself out of it. I went to the gym yesterday and am still going on my fast. I’ve gone seven or eight days eating only fruit and veggies, drinking tea and water. I’ve also gone this time abstinent. I was 181lbs this morning. Massive change from 240 a couple of years ago. My new jeans and pants that I got to replace the old ones are falling off me now even with the belt. Anyways, I’m not going to give up. I don’t expect anything. Just laying my soul to trust the Lord for what is best.