November 12, 2015:

I have been feeling incredibly overwhelmed and triggered over the past couple of days. In the midst of feeling like I had let a lot of people down, I was also being triggered by recent realizations and memories that I was realizing a bit more of. It’s always difficult, I find, to let my heart trust in greater potential, when I realize how much I have been through. Still, I forgive. And I am not looking for pity or for too much sympathy. I am a new man in Christ. I started my day today by reading a prayer for the Holy Spirit. On the bus, I read Psalms 5-10. I was particularly struck by Psalm six. It resonated deeply with me as a time of trouble, when we need at all times, to fall to our knees in prayer. I was being tempted greatly last night, especially on remembering these things. I just became infuriated with myself that I would continue to allow it and I became sad with my God that he could let these things happen. I quickly corrected the latter thought particularly. As it was my choice, all the while inspired by deepest of toxic shame. God was encouraging me to tell from the time I was a child. I know for Truth God’s deepest of love for me. I have to remember this. That He wanted the best for me. It was just so frustrating that I could be in such a dark place that allowed it to continue. And my being in that dark place perpetuated the darkness every time it continued. I remember now that I am a very, very different man with the capacity for free choice and will. Went to church today. I prayed for half an hour and then went to Curry’s Art where I bought a few more paintbrushes and canvas. Dedicated. I will continue to move forward. I also started my fast today. Just praying and hoping for His mercy, forgiveness and love. Also that there is another chance. I realize I don’t deserve another chance. Only for the sacrifice of Christ. With mercy knowing the extent of what I have been through. I’m feeling pretty good about the fast. In addition, I applied for another job last night. Need to recognize that I am trying too hard. I need to have faith. I’m just asking for a chance to prove myself.