November 8, 2015:

I’m doing relaxation exercises again. Because of this, I’m being triggered a lot. I’m feeling extremely hyper aware of everything. It’s not nice in many ways. I want you to know that I do not want attention. I don’t want special treatment. It would be nice to have validation about what has happened to me. And I know for a fact that I don’t even deserve this. I went onto the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board website today. It seems like a long journey through offices but it may be worth looking into. I heard about this service after the injury that happened to me. It was brought up again at the Paths of Courage retreat centre. This applies for child sexual abuse and sexual assaults as well. The only thing is that there would be a court process, during which they would inform my abusers. I have to admit, I filled out half of the application until I saw this. I closed the unsaved document at that point, feeling a pain of fear pass through my system. To be honest with you, it may be worth it. I have to stop protecting people who hurt me more than anything else in my life. There is still just so much shame. It may be worth it. The facilitators at the sexual abuse healing retreat said only good things. And with the work I am doing now to heal from these crimes, it may be worth it. Lol. In any case, I know that these relaxation exercises will pay off in the long run. Everything, absolutely everything is for His glory. He just needs more people to fight for Him. He loves you so much. I’ve been still looking for jobs. I just need to settle down a bit. Yesterday was a great day. I went to my art therapy where we discussed a bit more about our final project. For my own, I am going to paint a portrait of myself as a child. I normally wouldn’t even consider doing a self-portrait but this is of my child self, who I happen to love a lot. At least, I want to show him that I love him. The others in my group have some great ideas for their own final projects too. I am so grateful for the facilitators. Lol. One of them, when we were busy doing a project, picked up some sculpting clay and made an incredible little bird on the top of the table. It was colorful and she called it a phoenix. She’s a really cool person. She’s a self-taught artist as well and creates the most beautiful paintings. She is not creating anything at the moment. I’m trying to encourage her to. The fact that she created this amazing little sculpture when she was just passing time, indicates what she could do with her creativity if she wanted to. I am going to live like tomorrow is a sure thing. I am not going to worry. Everything is in the hands of Christ. I need to have faith in myself. Watched a movie the other day called God’s not Dead. What an incredible movie. So powerful and just reminded me what our faith stands for. It reminded me that as followers of the Way, sometimes we have to take an ideological stance, to fight for Christ, knowing just how much He fought for all of us. The movie also reminded me that I can love because He first loved me. So much grace. My heart was melting. Anyways, I went to church again on Sunday. I showed up to Mass late. Thinking there was another at 7PM, I wandered in at the end of the last Mass at 5PM. I spent a bit of time in the church afterwards, just reflecting. I was so sad at this time. I couldn’t figure out why or what was causing it. At first, I was attributing it to feeling lonely. That I had missed the service. A bit later, I realized that I had let some people down again. I don’t know what it was that caused this. Or prevented it. These insights often come to me a bit later, when there is only potential left to reflect over the situation. I’m waiting for the time when I’ll have a degree of choice over the matter. I am the first to admit that no one owes me nothing. I am trying very hard. I want you to know that I will not give up. Before myself, the benefit of the world is at my heart. Take these experiences. Let the right thing happen. You have to know how much God loves all of us. All I am doing is keeping faith in the voice that’s telling me there’s still a chance. All I can do is rely on the abundant forgiveness that God offers. In my dreams last night, I was caught up in the tide of waves on an island. I kept fighting until I was ashore again and looked out at the waves again. Life doesn’t end here. Man was created in the image of God, in order that we may live our lives for the glory of God, the Creator. Following the Creation, man was tempted away from God and sinned resulting in the curse of death. Because of this original sin, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Then, in His mercy, God sent for mankind a Savior, His Son as a sacrificial offering that man would be redeemed to God. Therefore, whoever believes in the Son of God, Jesus and has faith in His death and resurrection, will not experience death. The Gospel is the good news of the kingdom of God and the fulfillment of the Mosaic Law and the Prophets with the replacement of a new law: the law of Love. This is not entirely about religion. It’s about God’s love for our world. And conversely, the love that we should have but all the while, are endowed with the gift of free will to make the choice for ourselves whether we want love in return. It feels like the work I am doing is futile in a lot of ways. I feel this way because I am working on myself. I need to remember that I have worth. I have value as a human being. I am going on a twenty day veggie and fruit and water fast starting on the twelfth of November. I am going to remain abstinent during that time. I won’t fail. Because I have learned from the past. Because of Christ in me. Doing this for myself. Need to humble and purify myself. I’ve applied to a bunch of jobs. Waiting to hear back. Going to commit to waking up tomorrow morning at 5AM. Maybe this will set my sleep cycle back in order. I don’t blame you for being frustrated with me. I would be as well. Continuation: I am so sorry that my heart won’t open to love. I am trying so hard. I am trying so hard. I don’t know what else to do. I am trying so hard. I won’t give up… I still am not entirely sure as to whether people are reading this journal. I’m probably naïve. This is not the reason I am continuing with this journal. I’d like to remind you that you are welcome to, if it encourages you. And I admit that it provides a good medium for me to reveal what I am thinking in the limiting physical state that I am in. But also that it is a place for me to reflect on private matters and feelings. Again, I invite you to follow, if it is helping. “O Lord, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying of my soul, there is no salvation for him in God. But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy hill. I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me. I will not be afraid of many thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around. Arise, O Lord! Save me, O my God! For you strike all my enemies on the cheek; you break the teeth of the wicked. Salvation belongs to the Lord; your blessing be on your people!” (Psalm 3). I am feeling this psalm today. In a different context and application obviously. My foes are probably not many, though in my past they have been everyone. Because they have not understood the position from which I was coming from. Not just because I decided to bring with me before I left my house, a book of the Psalms. I was reading this particular psalm today on the bus. I was reminded of a time, in my second last year of university. During this time, I was committing to reading the entire Bible. I’d spend hours weekly immersed. At the time, not many people appreciated me, save for a very few strong friends. I was living in a mature student apartment and doing laundry when I brought a copy of the Bible with me to the laundry room where I sank into the wall and opened the Book. Where it opened to was the Book of Psalms. Encouraged by this, and because I had not read the Psalms before, I traced in my Bible to the beginning of the Book and started reading. Something in my heart encouraged me to start reading this particular verse, or psalm. I broke down, practically weeping. My heart was overwhelmed with grief yet saturated with so much joy. This amazing psalm just resonated with everything about what was happening in my little society at that time. The fact that I felt in many ways set out from my school. This was entirely because of what I was doing; in being hostile and defensive towards my peers, I had walled off and shut down my emotions. It was because of what I had been through, over the course of most of my childhood and adolescence that I was reacting in these ways. But to me, in my heart, I simply felt like no one wanted to know me or that they just wanted to offend me by making fun of me or giving me dirty looks. Believe me, I have come to realize that their reactions were for the most part, justified. For the greater part, this psalm brought out the feeling within me that people just did not understand the extent of what I have been through. And it encouraged me in the sense that God does. I’ve never told anyone that story. But that was one of the events that greatly encouraged me to seek help and strengthen my Christian faith. There are reasons. I know you don’t owe me anything. I just want you to know, I will not give up. “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old” (Isa 43:18). Today, I am thankful for my heart. I can feel its sincerity and desire for good. I am thankful that I feel awful for my failures but continue to fight for the right thing with no regrets. Today, I am grateful for my family. I shake because of the trauma in my youth. It is built up in my body. I want to live.