November 7, 2015:

Today was a productive day so far. I created a painting in the morning. It was more for expression than for aesthetics. To be honest, this past week has been very overwhelming. It has been stressful to the point of muscular tension and exhaustion. I don’t want to get into what is stressing me out. More often, that’s not even clear to me. It just turns out to be repressed feelings, shame and anger from my past. Feelings that I have not dealt with. So, in this sense, I am not entirely clear about what is bothering me at the moment. Only that I am being triggered in so many ways. I am reading Deb's ‘Unlock the Door’ at the moment. I had mentioned this in the past. Deb is one of the facilitators at the Gatehouse and she helped me through phase two of the group process there. It’s a wonderful book and the way she has approached the stories in it is lovely. Anyways, I guess in a manner of ways, I am being triggered by the stories in it. What I wanted to say was that I went to church today in Markham. I was feeling rough; to the point of not wanting to go. I forced myself to go and left my place at 3:30. For a while, I thought I would be late. I got there in time and offered my service to the assimilation team captain for collections. Standing, especially today, has been very difficult. This is because of the tremoring in my legs, which gets worse when I am stressed. As a result, at times, this can pose a challenge for me to walk smoothly and painlessly. I was pleased to help out as I was able in spite of this. Anyways, tonight was Communion. I was pleased to take part in it. When I got the cups, I returned to my seat where I sat in silence for a moment with the Lord before I ate and drank. Today, taking Communion offered me such a profoundly peaceful feeling. A lot of the time, after taking part in the Remembrance, I am overwhelmed. But only it’s a transition of being overwhelmed from my own weight and life into an overwhelming of joy and love. Today’s was different. I can’t really explain this. Anyways, after the service, I got up and offered to help the team captain again. I collected the prayer requests and handed out a couple of flyers for the woman’s ministry. What I want to say is that, after I took Communion, I felt immediate relief from the discomfort and pain of the tremoring and I was able to move around a bit more smoothly. After service, one of the team captain’s wife was willing to drive me to the bus stop. I am so grateful to my church for being willing to help me out like this. This feeling continues until now at quarter to 10PM, as I am writing this. One other thing I want to mention is that on the way home, I realized I had no change so I got off the bus after the first stop. I went to Pizza Pizza where I got a small meal and changed a five dollar bill. I got on the next bus. It may sound like nothing to someone who could in the future read this, but I ate the meal very slowly and deliberately. It was nice to experience this. Over the past couple of entries, I have been speaking about the way I distract from my emotional pain by numbing with food and other means. In the past, even over the past couple of months, though I have eliminated most coping mechanisms that I had developed, I still used food as a means through which to find comfort. Today was the first time in a while that I have been able to enjoy the food I was eating. It relates to the peace I was feeling. I am not sure what this peace indicates in terms of my spirituality. But it is a lovely feeling. And there is only one place I can imagine from where its source is coming. Christ. Today, I am grateful for my church. For the love and faith in it. Grateful for the church. I am grateful for everyone in this world and for the communities that we have developed. It’s a bit early, but never should be forgotten, I am thankful for the sacrifice and bravery of the soldiers and troops who risked their lives for our freedom. We must never forget that this world owes a lot to them. We must never forget what they fought for. Today, I am grateful for the sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ. Continuation: I am not going to give up. I’ll update again. But I am going to fight for the life I deserve. Excuse my language, but fuck laying down. I think I have proven that I am not a quitter. That I have a lot of strength. It’s true, I’ve been through a lot of suffering. But that will not stop me. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I’ll update again.