Sunday, August 14, 2016

September 10, 2015:

I am going away with friends for the weekend. I’m pretty excited and thankful that they wanted to include me. I will miss church Saturday. If one of my friends will drive me, I’d go in Huntsville but it’s a long way away. In any case, I intend to spend a great deal of time in the Word and in prayer. My thoughts are with the families of victims of 9/11 tomorrow. I went to the gym again today. Feels good to do it more often! Empowering in many ways. I realized something this morning. It feels as though all of the hard work that I have been doing for the past couple of years on my healing journey are paying off. I checked in with myself this morning and even reflecting back on the coffee I had with my friend from the support group, I am recognizing myself as being calmer, more at peace. I think I needed to take a break from all the therapy I’d been committing to. As beneficial as it is and as much as it’s needed; to delve into our feelings and deep thoughts, we need also take time to look forward. We need to rest and assess how far we’ve come. I feel as though I have been doing this recovery work for a decade. Realistically, it’s been about two-three years. But, I can honestly say that it was not for nothing. I feel like a more whole and complete human being. I had an awesome couple of days. I’m taking the time to notice women more. Getting back into the dating site I joined. Last night on the subway, there were these two beautiful women who, when they got on, sat and looked at me and smiled for a couple of seconds. I was pleased with myself because I allowed myself to accept the gesture and smile back. Again, today at the gym, I smiled at a couple women and they returned the smiles. This is becoming complicated where it doesn’t have to become complicated because of defence mechanisms. I am learning to calm them and take things as they come. I am learning to say to the Lord, “Into your hands.” A lot more. Not just with the suffering and hurt. But the glory too. I recognize that He deserves all of the glory of my life. There has been something on my heart, weighing me down for quite a while now. I feel it’s time to address this for my own peace of mind. There was a guy in Iceland, who drove me to the airport on my way back. I had noticed increasingly as the days passed before my departure that people started to look at me differently. Anyways, as we arrived at the airport, this guy helped me with me bags and then kind of bowed his head in front of me. It feels a little embarrassing for me to say it. I walked away from him because I didn’t know what he wanted. I remember the thought going through my head was he’s just making fun of me. I didn’t feel worthy of what he was suggesting. But everything that led up to that point showed me that he wasn’t making fun of me. I’m reminded of this verse in how I myself feel: “But Peter made him get up. ‘Stand up,’ he said, ‘I am only a man myself.’” I felt a little badly because I feel I may have scorned him or turned my back on him. This is certainly not the case. I am thankful for your faith. And for what it’s worth, blessings to you, my friend. I just didn’t know how to react to this. I am so thankful tonight. Generally, I am just feeling extremely thankful for being here. For my life. For all of yours. That I can share in this journey of life with you in some way. Mostly, I am so thankful for the cross of Salvation. I am thankful for His gift. Michelle posted a video on facebook last night that made me realize that we need to be so thankful for absolutely everything in this life. Even the senses that we so deeply and perhaps even understandably, become too used to. This video was so beautiful and opened with a young woman who had had surgery on her eyes for her blindness and they were just taking off her bandages so she could see again. I wept at how incredible this woman’s expressions lit up and her beautiful eyes darted back and forth to SEE. What a special gift it must have been for her. Other people in this video cried at seeing for the first time. It was so encouraging.

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