September 16, 2015:

I am not going to give up. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I will not give up. Jesus is worth living for. I have faith that I will not be put to shame, that there is hope waiting for me, that there is definite purpose in my faith. This is my process. I know it’s not what you needed. I pray I can even glorify God in a small way now. I pray sincerely for your world. Most of all, I pray the best thing happens for God. I’m sorry I couldn’t have been stronger. What I can say is that I will fight this to the very end. It’s taken me some time to realize and to recognize that nothing has really changed. It’s taken me time to realize that I’m not as bad as my brain feels I am most of the time. Realizing that I am doing what I can. And not giving up in the hope and strength that the Lord Christ offers me. I rely on his courage. And I am staying true to my word as best I can with the obstacles placed before me. If you judge me based on the things I have done, do it with the knowledge of what I have been through. Judge me with the knowledge that I spent my teenage years relearning how to breathe and to swallow my own saliva. I rejoice in the fact that this is not where it has to end. I rejoice in the fact that I can see beyond these experiences. Last night, I went to the gym and was wondering why I was struggling and why I woke up sore this morning. Later realizing I hadn’t eaten anything before I went. Lessons learnt. This morning, I did a few exercises (20 reps of biceps curls with 20 pounds and eight overhead military press with 20 pounds) and then went downtown. Went to a nice restaurant I often go to called Fran’s on Shuter. I had a spinach and beet salad without dressing or cheese. I enjoyed it a lot. I was pleased with myself last night because I challenged myself to respond to a few messages on the dating site I am using. There is one person with whom I am conversing who seems really cool. She lives in Guatemala. This will not hinder me. Another is a really lovely woman from Richmond Hill. I haven’t looked at porn for about six months. Still my soul longs for love. I didn’t know how to have it. Just like any of you, I yearn for love. I am reading the Song of Solomon right now. It is an important Book that I feel can teach me to open my heart. I will go to church tonight and pray. For most of my life, admittedly, I have lived in my past. I suppose, to many degrees, justifiably. It was even evident in the movies I chose to watch. In choosing my entertainment, even on Netflix, I would choose movies I had already seen that made me feel good. Recently, I am challenging this in the sense that I am choosing movies I haven’t seen before. I am choosing to move forward. Though it’s hardly a new thing for me, I am putting the past in the past. Life is too short to focus my attention on stuff and experiences I have already had. Life is too short to focus my attention on stuff that isn’t real, like video games and computers. These things are great but if you use them too much, they can take over your life. Live life. Choose life. At the end of it, all we have is our memories and experiences, the people we have touched and those who have touched us. Choose love. Even if it comes at a struggle. It’s worth it. Choose faith.