September 2, 2015:

I am applying for a couple of jobs at the moment. I have already applied for a data entry job. I’ve been looking for jobs at the library too. I am continuing to live. I went to the gym last night after my harmonica lesson. I was worn out from lack of sleep. Even during my harmonica lesson. I was trying my best to be at my best during the lesson but it was kind of hurting. Something my harmonica teacher said, though probably common knowledge, was really encouraging. It was encouraging to be reminded of it. He said that going to the gym often tires you out so it’s easier to go to sleep. I don’t know how I manage to forget that. Maybe it’s because working out my legs hurts for a while after, making it more difficult to sleep after a while of working them out because they get so tight even after stretching them. In any case, I’ve committed to going to the gym at least every two days. And starting today, I am going to stop taking the bus short distances. Instead, I am going to walk these journeys. As well, I have stopped taking cabs unless it is necessary because of time, baggage, etc. Cabs are a great service. I just am trying to be frugal with my spending. I am committing to health now. I am going to adopt a vegetable and water diet to show myself the love that I deserve for at least two weeks. I’m pretty excited. Tonight I have a church event to go to. It’s called Worship under the Stars. I’m looking forward to taking part in this. Afterwards, depending on how late this goes, I will go to the Superstore in order to get veggies and fruits for the next week. Life goes on. Time waits for no one. Which is a tragedy. We must make the very best of this time as we can to bring glory to God. Life can be pretty disastrous if we just focus on everything that is bad. There's a lot of it. Even in the middle of bad situations, we can choose to see the best in life, knowing that God is there for us, especially when we suffer, knowing that is not what He wants for us or created us for. Keep faith. Tomorrow is a chance for something great! I am so grateful for being able to open my heart. And I am so grateful for the woman with whom it happened. I couldn’t be happier. Still after this week, I reflected, regretting over the relationships and experiences I was not able to experience because I wasn’t in a place healthy enough to. I am very sad that now that I am able to date and have a friendship, I lost two of the most beautiful women I have ever known. I can’t believe that I let them go. What I really can’t believe is how much effort they put into trying to get me to open up. But another thing accepting that feeling of love and acceptance is doing for me is showing me that I have to treat myself with gentleness and respect as well. I wasn’t in a place healthy enough to show these women how much I loved them. And I did love them, legitimately. I think I still do. I love a lot of people for their ability to see hope in me when everybody wanted to give up. I hope these women are happy. You are and will always be in my heart. Very few people would be willing to place their most dark and shameful experiences, awful experiences, which shaped them in so many ways before the entire world to judge, empathize with or in a lot of cases criticise. I am being very open with my wounds. I am telling the truth, though I have said nothing condemnatory. I realize to you there is little reason to care. I realize that I don’t deserve your trust. But this is my life. There are reasons for all of this. I’m just sorry that I couldn’t have been stronger. I hope that you can open your hearts once more. I pray it will become clear. This is not just about me. I will not give up while there is Spirit in my flesh. I have faith that Christ will lead me to the end of my journey. Realizing that I have a choice. Not over the events of my early life; but I absolutely have a choice now. Realizing this has encouraged me to keep a positive attitude – to not listen to others who are saying I can’t do it. I have a choice, by meditating on and embracing the Truth of Scripture and of God. The Truth of love. I’m not giving up. I guess I don’t expect you to believe me now until there is corroboration. Just open your hearts. This is about Jesus. My life, my experiences, my joys and my traumas are all for the glory of Him. If I glorify myself, the glory means nothing. I have to speak what He sent me to speak. I have to speak my truth. If it is His will, He will glorify me. I submit myself to His great reign. I am sorry this is taking so long. I understand your frustration. I am frustrated with myself as well. Don’t deny people’s ability to change. We are not our pasts unless our past bridges into our present. It’s clear to me how a set of crimes so serious, in one’s development would influence the path on which they build their lives. I don’t entirely know what I have done to upset people lately. If you’re looking to my past for bad things, there will not be a shortage. All of which, I am prepared to stand accountable for. I’m sorry for a lot in my life. I have to continue to build on the love of God that I know fills my heart. There is a reason for all of this. Know that everything will happen as it is meant to, for the best of all. I hope this will make sense to you soon. Truth will come out.