Untitled:

This is my journal. I’m very contemplative. I don’t want anyone when they read this to misunderstand me or be offended if there is anything to be offended by (most of this is gratitude). I speak into this not just what I am feeling the day I’m writing but also it gives me a space to vent. In that sense, try not to read too deeply into the negative stuff. This wasn’t necessarily intended for others to read. And I say with love, that I’m sure I don’t have to remind anyone that they don’t have to be reading this. When I’m venting, I’m just letting loose thoughts and emotions that were trapped. Everybody has thoughts. Most of them, we wouldn’t share with other people. In a similar way, this is a reason I have created this journal; so that I have a place to express myself without fear of judgement and criticism. In a way, at the same time, it is my method of changing the way I think. It is my way of altering negative thoughts into positive thoughts. But, for everything that I am grateful for, the negative stuff still needs a forum to be heard. What I want people to know above all, is what Christ has done for me. I know that it must be very difficult to have compassion and patience with someone who continually turns away from goodness. I’ve been tempted to give up on myself far more times than I care to admit. I just wish you could see the reason I turn away from love. This is Truth: in spite of the fact that I have stumbled and have harbored disobedience and ill thoughts in my heart, God has always been eager to forgive me. Sometimes I think that God gives me too much credit, absolutely He has shown me more than what I deserve in terms of grace and love. It’s a true comfort knowing that God sees the real reason why we sin and think in our hearts that we know better than Him. There is a reason I was chosen. In addition to the fact that some of these things needed to be made known, the level of trauma in my life was very severe. There is a reason for all of this. There is a reason for everything. Use sound reason. Don’t believe something only because others believe it. I’m comforted knowing God sees in the recesses of my heart and empathizes with me because He has seen and understands my pain. I can’t change how you feel about me or change your perceptions of what I’m doing. Because in light of everything that I have been through, I’m trying very hard to do the right thing, to open my heart to trust and to love. I can’t help what you feel. What I can do and promise to always do is not give up. I’ve told the truth in my life and I will stand by it through whatever I must. Continuation: I’m very grateful today for everything that has happened to me. Above that, I am grateful for my past and future. My past because the experiences I have lived through, bad as they are, have shaped me in many ways into the man I am today. And even if the ways they have shaped me at the moment are negative, I will continue to transform these experiences with the help of the Spirit into something positive. I am grateful for my future because of the fact that I have so much hope in my heart for my future as well as in my relationships. For a long time I was dreadful of the future because I feared it but it’s much easier to face with faith and a heart filled with love. A woman after church today approached me and had a conversation with me. At the end of the conversation, she wanted to shake my hand because she thought I was going to be a future prime minister or something. She told me that my ideas were really powerful. I gave her 20$. I think I remember mentioning a woman to whom I offered a lot of money for her children in past entries. I saw her again today and gave her about 200$. I know that she will glorify God with this money and give food to her children. After church today, I saw a gorgeous woman on the street. I noticed that she was trying to avoid eye contact with me. When I passed her on the street, I said hi to her. This took a bit of courage. But it showed me that I can face fear. With Christ, anything is possible. I just have to take it in baby steps. She said hi back to me and really smiled. This made me feel nice. I started a Bible Study on my own. One in addition to the studies my small group does. This study I am doing on my own is called “Who is Jesus?” It sounds simple and to me I got a rudimentary impression about it when I first picked it up but it is really very encouraging. And very informative. I’m already about half way through the book and I love the fact that I have discovered Bible study. In addition to verse memorization, this is a great tool to allow the Word of God to settle on your heart. I am so thankful for the gift of Salvation in the Gospel. I am so thankful for Christ. Because I know that even in my darkest states, the times when I feel like everything is just about to fall to pieces, Christ is right there in the middle, with His hand encompassing my own. In that vein, I have a confession to make. And I feel that it is important to escape isolation, if not judging only by my experiences of confessing what I did to the Men’s Ministry a couple of days ago. I am feeling as though my hope is dependent upon my works lately. I feel very much as though I have to prove to people that I am worthy in order to have value for myself. My identity, I’m finding, is becoming based on what others think of me. And because of this, I am losing hope. I’ve got to remind myself that my identity comes not from anything I do, or even anything of this world. My identity comes from the Truth of what Jesus did for me. My identity comes from what He says about me. This makes me think of last night when I guy who lives in my house told me that he was hurt because of the fact that a couple of his friends broke dinner plans with him. I empathized with him, knowing the same feeling and I really felt badly for how he felt then. But in my mind, I was thinking in a non-judgemental way, ‘your identity is so much more than that.’ I just wanted to encourage him so I invited him to play chess. I usually like to allow people to develop their own beliefs regarding their faiths because that's how I came to faith in Christ. But for what it’s worth, this is my take on the spiritual realm. Religions are people's attempts to get close to God through works and are not always a reflection of God. In my opinion, God sent His Son to earth because there is no act, no work that could ever redeem us and make us holy enough to stand before God. God sent His Son Jesus because we are sinners. But He still loves us. He understands why we sin. My faith is not a religion. Merited, it took me a while to come to faith in Christ, after studying many world religions, I'm still struggling to walk the path. But there is no way I could ever be perfect and I praise God that He understands and empathizes with me for that reason. God has done so much in my life around everything I've been through since I accepted the Spirit. I don't want to explain fully what I have been through here. In the face of a lot of suffering, He has offered me a great deal of hope. He has given me the hope to actually do things with my life, where once was only despair. He's given me the ability to create, whether that's writing or painting. And He has placed me on a path to healing, both physically and emotionally and the desire to live righteously. If I think now, I am probably unable to count the amount of full out addictions and self-destructive patterns that His grace has saved me from. He has helped me to heal and transform negative thoughts about myself that resulted from unfair situations, into positive. He has given me the uncanny ability to forgive the heinous and case of abuse against me. Most of all, as we are all sinners, He has offered me forgiveness for those sins. I have faith in my God who I know will forgive. A couple of nights ago, I dreamed of a loving experience and of the image of myself apologizing for something to another. Their response in my dream blew my mind. Just last night, I dreamed of a similar thing and I remember being woken by a force that whispered in my ear, “You’ve been through so much. You are forgiven. Please keep faith”. I pray that this is true. Really, I know what I deserve. But at the same time, I know what we all deserve. We deserve the wrath and judgement of God. I have faith in God’s awesome love and forgiveness in His Son. After this happened when I woke, I involuntarily started to speak in tongues. It was a familiar experience. I have only experienced it once after I received the Spirit. It was a phenomenal experience and I couldn’t get back to sleep. It was as though a foreign force was using my body. My lips and voice were working but I had no control, either to stop it or control it. I pray that I am able to live in this Truth. And I don’t doubt it. There are many people in my prayers. Including, Edward, who I met at the subway last week. I gave him forty dollars and shared the gospel with him. Maria the woman I saw today at church. I’m praying for her and her children. I’m also praying for my friend Michelle. I still can’t explain how important she is to me. I don’t understand the feeling. But something in my heart wants so incredibly much for her to be happy. I’m praying for her finances as she is applying for student loans and above that she has happiness and joy in whatever she does. I send her links on facebook to private lenders and scholarships. Today, I am grateful for her friendship. Even though I don’t get to see her often, she is a person I really want in my life.