June 22, 2015:

Today, I am grateful for good friends, a beautiful life and a world full of wonders. Today, I am grateful that, while there is life, there is still a chance. I am grateful for the whispers of the Spirit, which have been with me for my entire life, encouraging me even when I was on the verge of literal death because the traumas were too severe. I am thankful for the fact that love will conquer hate. I am feeling well today. Very sore but happy and hopeful. I’m going to my survivor’s support group this evening. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone there and to our discussions for today. I sketched out a couple of new canvas. On one, I drew a scene completely from my imagination. It is going to be a blended situational concept of Samson in the large room. The other I sketched out was a portrait of Christ. I borrowed the image from another source but am going to paint it without visual assistance. I am not going to give up. I post these explanations because I want very much to get better and live my life to the fullest. I write them in order to challenge myself. This is my life. And I am allowed to choose what I do and do not want. And I want to love. Continuation: This afternoon, before going to my survivor’s support group in Etobicoke, I went down to Queen Street and Yonge in order that I may be able to take the streetcar over to Kipling. There is something very lovely about being on the streetcar. I just love the opportunity to reflect upon myself and my day’s experiences surrounded by the city. Anyways, when I came to Queen, I was going to go to St. Michael’s to pray for a bit but found out it was closed. So I went to the diner across the street where I had a breakfast of two eggs, a slice of toast and a bowl of berries. This will probably be all I eat today. Including my protein this morning as well as a banana. I saw my friend Maria today at the diner I went to. I said hi and invited her to come sit with me across the street in an office building in which there is a Starbucks. She came after a while and we spoke for a bit. I felt bad. I didn’t want to call her because I knew I had not made any progress in her story. I wanted to call her when I had an opinion of her book. She told me that she wanted me to forgive my abusers for what they did to me, saying that healing comes only after forgiveness. I have a lot to say about this but will simply say that I became a little passionate when she said this but calmed down and explained to her my concerns about their behavior. Finally, I affirmed my forgiveness. After a bit, she started asking me for money again. So I gave her seventy dollars. After which she started asking for more. I told her that I couldn’t give her more. I was very thankful that I was able to stand up for myself and my boundaries. I didn’t give her any more. At the end of the conversation, she gave me a hug and seemed grateful for what I had given her. I told her at the end of our conversation that I would give to her again in the future, but only when I was able and able to do it out of the cheer of my heart. I told her that I was living on savings, my books and whatever art I sell. I do not have much to begin with. And I told her that I did not expect anything in return. But I still intend to offer her help in the future. I see her need and want very much to help her. On Yonge Street, there was a familiar black gentleman, who recognized me. I think his name was Michael and that I prayed for him a couple of months ago. He saw me coming and raised his arms to welcome me. I told him I had no money but that I would return. So I turned the corner and there was an ATM there. So I went back and gave him twenty dollars. Today, I am so thankful for the grace and goodness I have felt expressed towards me and my own soul, to be generous with what I have to others. Even after I run out of my savings, I will do what I am able and still offer what I am able to others. What a beautiful world this would be if we were all a little more generous. Thankful for the financial well-being in order to do this when I can.