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Sunday, August 14, 2016

November 1, 2015:

Well, this morning was difficult as well. I think I am going to have to try to get to bed a bit earlier. I am feeling exhausted. I’m very tired. As I think I have explained in the past in this journal a bit, when I am feeling tired, in spite of having had a reasonable amount of sleep, this is usually an indication that I am feeling triggered or ashamed about something, stemming from my past. Allow me to begin this entry by stating I do not feel well and because of that I feel very insecure that I will not express myself well. I saw a video on youtube a couple of days ago in which Lauryn Hill states that she is not an intelligent person. She says she is not a particularly gifted person. But that she prays before she speaks. That she may speak for His glory. Something in this resonated with me. Often, before I create a painting, I will say a small prayer. And often, what transpires when I am finished with it is great. I think I need to, we all need to, be more dependent on the grace and goodness He has offered us. I believe Lauryn is being modest. But there is absolutely truth in what she is saying. We would be nothing without God. Our God and Creator is the one who fills our bodies with life. We need to trust Him for the goodness of our lives. I need to trust Him to speak for me. I wanted to write this little update to remove my feeling of blockage. As a worldly update, I am still going to the gym. I am proud of the motivation I am providing myself to continually go. I will advocate proper exercise form and technique. But I will also say that often, I lift a bit too much weight. I am building muscle and keeping myself in shape. That’s what matters right now. For my art therapy, I am noticing great results with my ability and comfort of expression. I am still loosening up my ankle and it’s coming along well. Standing, balancing on my left foot last night, I noticed my ankle adjust to the direction my body was facing. Like it reacted as it was supposed to. May seem small but for me this is pretty big. I posted a video on facebook today. I have been watching it every night for a week now. It’s called Teachings of Jesus Christ. It’s such a beautiful and peaceful compilation of the Beatitudes and parts of the Sermon on the Mount. It leaves me feeling like a child in the arms of a caring mother after I have watched it. I realize I talk a lot about what I am doing, what I have been through. This is all for His glory and to show what a change His love has made on my heart. When I reflect on who I was before Christ came to me, I am left awestruck and I weep. I literally and in all definitions of the word, was broken. And by no fault of my own. It certainly is a choice that we make, every decision we make. But every decision we make is deeply influenced and heavily weighted by our experiences and our traumas. Before that injury happened to me, I feel comfortable saying that I would have welcomed both deaths. It actually was not just. It was not fair for a child to have been subject to that. And God, the Father saw this. This is why He gave me another chance. I just pray for His mercy, knowing what I have been through. There is always a chance and hope while there is breath in the body. And I am so happy for my life today. I am a different person because of Christ. And the day He came to me, I was changed. Let everything, whatever happens now, be for His great glory.

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