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Sunday, August 14, 2016

October 31, 2015:

Today is a difficult day for me. I awoke very tired. In addition to this, I seem to be recollecting memories quite often now. I have noticed that my conscious awareness of such experiences come in waves. For me, at least and most probably, this is the safest and least re-traumatizing way of my allowing them to return. The realizations are pretty vivid and disturbing. Of course, soon as it was over, my mind would reject the experiences that it found far too traumatizing. Which would lead to the events’ recurrence. And I feel a lot of shame about that; that I could have allowed it to continue. It’s not like I didn’t fight back. For many years, particularly in my healing journey, I felt much shame regarding the fact that I felt I hadn’t offered enough of a fight. These new realizations prove that wrong and show me just how helpless I was. I can still feel the ways in which the seemingly playful actions would turn sinisterly into my being harshly overpowered. What happens when people use their free will, the free will that has been given to them by a loving and compassionate God, to hurt others? This is a question that has haunted me for many years. What could God possibly expect us to do? I just pray that God redeems me and glorifies me. This is all very real. And just because I forgive does not mean that I do not have a responsibility to heal myself and recover from the wounds done me. I will continue this. I’m on the bus right now. I have been feeling very rough this morning and afternoon so far. But, as I have learned far too many times, there is a rainbow after the storm.

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